A book like this hasn't got under my skin for some time. 'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother' by Amy Chua is a persuasive text regarding the way Chinese parents raise their children in comparison with Western mothers. The main premise of the text is that Chinese parents believe in the success of their children and therefore carry high expectations. Western parents, on the other hand, are willing to accept mediocre outcomes as long as the child has 'tried their best'.
There is no doubt that there are many more successful Chinese students than there are Western students. There is no doubt that many of these Chinese children are pushed to reach success. The Chinese realise that the harder you work at something, the more you get it right, and the more that you get it right the more that you enjoy it. The joy of success far outweighs the frustration to get to that outcome.
Once I started getting into this book I realised that I was a truly Western mother. I was willing to accept certain behaviours in my daughter because I didn't want to look harsh to the rest of the parenting world. Or, I didn't want my daughter to love me less because I was being too harsh on her. I was also willing to accept mediocre learning abilities when I knew in my heart that my daughter is very intelligent and creative, and needs to be pushed. The day I decided to become more of a Chinese mother - and not entirely a Chinese mother - was the day my daughter started to change.
The first day I pushed and pushed her with her number writing. She had to get it right. Soon the 'I can't' attitude from her became smiles of success at her own achievement and she was soon writing 1 - 10.
The second day I decided to work with her on the alphabet, her name and her sister's name. She had to verbally complete the alphabet with only one error, which we managed to do after many turns. The smile on her face when she realised she could do it was something else.
On the third day she wrote a birthday card to her 86 year old great nanna. She had originally written her name and drew pictures in black pen, but I decided that wasn't good enough. Her great nanna is 86 years old and deserved more time and care given to her by my daughter in her card. And so Amaya worked at it for a better result. She coloured in the pictures - neatly and with care.
On the fourth day I had booked Amaya into Art class, moved her up in her ballet class (which also included jazz and tap), and also moved her up in her swimming class. All of her teachers had told me that Amaya had talent in these areas, but I had being sitting on my hands because she hadn't turned four yet. Doesn't matter - she has talent.
Don't get my wrong ... I'm not going to push Amaya where she doesn't have talent. For example, Amaya isn't going to be a fantastic athlete - she is too clumsy and too awkward. But, I'm going to push her where she does have talent. I'm going to financially invest in her future. She has talent in ballet and the Arts. As for literacy and numeracy, that's a given. She will be pushed to excel above her peers.
I know this probably sounds pushy to most of you and I can hear this question : where is her childhood in all that? Trust me, Amaya has enough 'childhood' time. As Amy Chua stated in her book - are Chinese children any less unhappy than Western children because they are pushed? In fact, I would beg to argue that most Western children are more unhappy, frustrated and lost because of their lack of direction and parental intervention. I base this evidence on what I have seen in my classroom.
In all honesty, Chinese parenting requires consistency and sometimes this can be quite draining. It also requires a lot of parental attention and planning. Too often I see Western children with gadgets in their hands, things in their ears, televisions on the backs of their seats, x-boxes in their bedrooms, and books on iPads - do the parents not want to communicate with them? Western parents must be more willing to put in the hard yards with their children. Why else did they have them? Have they really lost the battle? Who's the adult in the relationship?
Now for my first-ever give away on this blog. I want to share this book with others. The deal is this: leave a comment regarding your views on parenting and your name will go into the entry to win the book for free. I'll even post it your way. Be brave and join the draw. I'll post the winner next Friday. You have one week to enter - parents and non-parents, all welcome.
9 comments:
My 17yo son is grounded - this is the first ever time I have grounded him as he is a good 'boy'. I have put in the hard yards with him - my advice to any parent - talk about the small stuff, talk about the hard stuff, keep talking... but do it in a place where they have to listen but don't have to have eye contact. I have told my son about sex - real sex - drugs, alcohol and addiction. I have done this in the car drives to and from school. I have taught him that if a friend insists on him doing drugs and gives him a hard time for not doing drugs, then he is NOT a friend. Easy. A friend won't push you into something you don't want to do. We talked about bullies and how they are hurting in their own life so they need to project. My son gets all this and he is a caring young man. However, he lost his Iphone on the weekend and so I grounded him.
He now thinks that his life is boring and he has nothing to do... At 17 his life is via the internet and school (and a part time job). I think that's okay.
However, I have rules for him still - in bed every week night at 9:30. Friday's the exception, but Sunday definitely. He tells me that no other kid at his school has a bed time. Too bad.
A friend told me the other day that her 14yo son was still up at 1am on a school night playing games on the computer in his room. I must say, I did freak a bit. He even plays Xbox before school - agh!!!
I told her that kids who watch tv before school are less likely to focus. I asked her to stop letting him watch/play before school for the sake of his teachers and himself. I couldn't help myself.
Anyway, I have the opportunity to do it all again - and I hope to raise another fine young man. There will be time for imagination, there will be no tv before school time, there will be no tv in his room, and he can only play play station on the weekends... and I will encourage and push him through his doubts even if I am tired.
I believe it is important to be present in our children's lives. Be aware. Be loving and be tough. And also have lots of laughter. Thanks, Shan for finding this and sharing this with us... I will be on the look out for more people to join! xx
I'm obviously not a parent...and i applaud you as always Shan for taking a risk and sharing what you're doing - I'm sure this will get heaps of responses!!
I wonder about 2 things with this style of parenting and I think you've covered the first - Does the child ever have ownership of being pushed or does it all come from the parent? I wonder then what the consequences of this are as the child gets older - do they push themselves because 'my parents want/expect me to' or do they learn how much they enjoy the success and it ends up being self-driven? If it's the first, surely later in life there are some pretty unproductive consequences here.
The other thing i wondered is how Chinese parenting works in terms of kids being happy and fitting in socially with their peers? It's all very well to be outstanding academically but isn't there more to life than achieving in this way? From my teaching experience, it's important to kids to fit in and belong - actually who says that's confined just to kids?? Not to say this has to be compromised but I'm curious as to how the Chinese view this too. Surely there can be a balance?
Thanks Shan, thought provoking as usual. x
Isn't it amazing how a book can change the way you look at something? - something as personal as parenting! I just love that!
I agree that we should be more like the Chinese and push our children to achieve their best. I also agree that we are too soft in our Western culture.
But I pose the question....why are you only pushing Amaya in the areas that she excels in already? Why not push her athletically, so she can improve on the areas that she is weak in?
I love your latest blog idea of giving away the book - I WANT TO WIN!!! :) Great post Shan oxox
Humm......
Now about this Chinese parenting... I think it is cool, always have admired the thought that if the kid groans, it's just saying,"I'm lazy, I can't be bothered" ... not, "I can't do it"! You know you are giving Amaya a wonderful, wider experience anyway.. so why not concentrate ( a little) on the ... extension of the mind stuff. (I still think you should meet my daughter- she's definitely along your line of thinking, always trying to extend a bright little lass -her expectation is always a little higher than what her friends expect of their children.) Keep it up; you and Amaya will reach higher than you might ever think possible. I know the brain is a fantastic tool and terribly under-utilized. [I experienced this when my son had 'acute head injury' from a motorbike accident.] The 'reorientation' of the brain made me realise how stupid I have been to its wonderful resilience... and if the repair can happen like it did, how much more should we be able to help a heathy, young mind. As a teacher, I have taken upon myself to deliberately tell certain students that - "You will do this because, simply, you can." AND, the amazing thing is, they have risen to the challenge! Keep up the challenge. A little willing effort by the child out of the comfort zone will be celebrated!
Whoo hoo...! Brenda
I have a problem with kids not being allowed to be kids anymore! Everything must be sterile and organic and clean. Whatever happened to the baby being looked after by the 10 year old? Street cricket is a thing of the past....
I believe that Molly coddling our kids and not allowing them to truly experience life is what will ultimately hold them back!
I do not believe that a child who is not allowed to go to sleepovers is happier than those that do. I do not believe that a child who is 2 years ahead of classmates is happier. In fact there are many studies to suggest the opposite, that it is the overly bright children that tend to be the trouble makers.
I will parent with much love, dedication and support. I will encourage my child to be the best that they can in all aspects, not just academics.
But this is my way and what I believe is best for my child.
Not a comment on parenting, as I'm not a parent myself. But, having spent two weeks inn schools in China earlier this year, I can perhaps comment on the differences between the students I teach here and the students I observed and taught over there.
Students in China were VERY respectful of their teachers.. They are raised knowing that their education is crucial to their future and therefore what the teacher says goes! (no questions such as 'why are we doing this.')
The students were achieving very highly academically (part of the reason we went over there). One thing that surprised me is that they also achieve very highly in their compulsory 'after school activities' which included sports, music, dance,art etc.
I did feel though that perhaps the students didn't have a personal connection with their teachers as we tend to (I primary school particularly) with our students. They didn't ask any questions of their teachers and there was certainly no chit chat about their weekends or anything.
The other issue which is one the Education Bureau in Suzhou was concerned about was the burden on students. Were they working too many hours in the day? Wre they being pushed too hard? This is an issue being examined across schools in China.
Perhaps this comment doesn't relate directly to your questions Shan, but having been to China broke down some stereotypes about education in China, and also helped me appreciate what we do here too! Ally
Lost my first comment so now a brief one..
I have read parts of this book and it affected me too, but quite differently to you shan. I found the author to be quite obnoxious and it irked me reading it.
She could sprout on and on about how happy her children are and how talented and amazing they are and I actually just felt sad for them.
I hope to inspire Ted to be the best he can be and hope to never underestimate what he can achieve, but I don't feel I need to do it that way.
I think that you have always pushed Amaya to be her best and she is so happy and well adjusted. Follow your heart shan as you are a wonderful teacher. I am glad that the book has inspired you to push Amaya, however I think you may have underestimated the wonderful job you and Luke have already done xx
Love Brooke xx
You certainly stirred up comment with this topic Shan and I will add my two pence worth. As a teacher of engineering I have taught Asian students from overseas as well as local students. The Asian students overall have been more skilled in subjects which can be mastered by rote learning, mathematics and physics for example, and this is in line with the style of learning that has been impressed upon them during schooling in their home country. Their focus has been on the end result (passing exams, obtaining high marks) rather than the journey. Rote learning has very little to do with the journey and as we know the journey is a very important part of the learning process and this requires that we reflect upon and question what we are being taught. Australian students could certainly benifit from adopting the more disciplined
approach shown by Asian students, however, the major stumbling block for Asian students comes when they are required to be involved in an engineering project which requires a process of synthesis in the creative bringing together of information from a number of areas of study. This of course can never be rote learned since the possible combinations are too numerous in number. Asian students dread these types of exercises whereas by comparison Australian students attack such projects with gusto, often misplaced in terms of what they can deliver, and this highlights an important difference in the permissions the Asian and Australian students have been given in their learning environmemt. Rote learning seems to offer no permission to think for oneself and those Asian students so taught in their home country find it very difficult, almost impossible, to change to being able use their own initiative. Not having read the book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" I'm not sure how relevant the above comments might be but I will finish with a quote from Albert Einstein: "Imagination is more important than knowledge".
Hi shan, interesting post as usual. I haven't read the book but as a yr 12 esl teacher I have taught many Chinese students. They are more respectful of their teachers and all appear to revere their parents but from my experience they lack choice. There is enormous pressure on them to do well in their studies and almost unanimously they want to get into commerce at Melbourne uni. This is because they want to get into well paying jobs to support their parents and make them proud. I had a student who really wanted to be a primary school teacher but there was no way her parents would accept that. She went on to do commerce at Melbourne. In some cases achievement can be viewed very narrowly. I would want my girls to follow their an area of interest not make money for the sake of making money.
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