My mobile phone rang.
In the kitchen.
The doctor's words, 'Your test came back positive. I'm sorry.'
His third case ever.
I'm doubled over in sobs.
I'm doubled over in sobs.
Amaya's call out to me, 'Mummy, don't cry - I love you.'
Husband rushed home from work.
Emotionally exhausted, but it's only just begun.
I cannot, will not, lose the baby girl within.
Not at 32 weeks - or any other week here on in.
Scans set for every week ... till the end.
Heart failure a possibility - a slim one - but still on my mind.
Blood transfusions post birth discussed.
Emergency c-section based on results ... at any time.
I already have a weakened immune system thanks to Art.
This is a virus that can manifest.
Mother's guilt riddles me.
Prayers flood our house.
Feel totally fucked over.
I'm sorry too.
Sorry to the little girl within.
Sleepless nights.
Exhausted.
Even more tired of people making jokes about cats and dogs.
Visions of the 'One Born Every Minute' humidicribs.
Lonely.
Feel oh so lonely in my mind.
Need my husband close - all the time.
Need, want and desire this little girl to be safe and healthy in my arms.
'I'm sorry,' I cry.
Sleepless nights.
Exhausted.
Even more tired of people making jokes about cats and dogs.
Visions of the 'One Born Every Minute' humidicribs.
Lonely.
Feel oh so lonely in my mind.
Need my husband close - all the time.
Need, want and desire this little girl to be safe and healthy in my arms.
'I'm sorry,' I cry.
Note: Sorry to the family and friends that are finding out this way, but I'm too sad and too fragile to talk and face the world these days. I need 2011 to begin, and begin ... soon. I need to meet this baby girl to make sure she is going to be okay. xo
4 comments:
our prayers and thoughts are with you and Remy.
Love Tanya
Shan, our thoughts are with you and your family. Call me if I can help in any way.. a play date for Amaya, i'll come pick her up, take her to the park...whatever. Feel what you need to feel, but try to leave mothers guilt alone, you have nothing to be guilty about. Sarah xoxox
Shan, thinking of you and your family.
love Tina xo
Shan, I know how frustrating it can be when people tell you that it will be alright but I know it will be alright, I just know. Our little ones will be playing together this time next year. I know.
Love Kim
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