You may have been wondering where I have been hiding out? My last post was at the beginning of April. Well, I have been living with the grey dog - day-in-and-day-out. Not the black dog, but the grey dog.
It’s all so difficult for me to explain.
The grey dog that yaps at my heels on a constant basis has driven me into despair. It has driven me to breaking point. I think it all started when I returned from overseas, but I could certainly feel it building in
It’s all so difficult for me to explain.
I know in a previous blog I have spoken about Art – my label for the condition of rheumatoid arthritis. Art is the physical, the bone crunching, the stiffness, the inflamed joints and the sore eyes. The grey dog is the mental and emotional world. Just recently my Year 11 students were studying the memoir ‘Night’. One of the issues we looked at in relation to this memoir was: in order to survive life’s struggles is it more important to have physical or mental strength? We had a lengthy discussion and came to the conclusion that if you have the mental strength you can overcome any physical obstacle. But what happens when this mental strength is lacking? As was witnessed in ‘Night’, many of the Jews who had lost their faith were indirectly taking steps towards the crematoriums. Now I know that the Holocaust is an extreme analogy to my current grey world, but it got me thinking about my own mental strength. When my mental world is beat I indirectly take steps to pick up the lead of the grey dog. I allow him to pull me along and stray to wherever he chooses to lead. This nature of taking the grey dog for a walk, or in fact, the grey dog taking me for a walk, should only last the afternoon, but this recent bout has lasted at least two months.
It’s all so difficult for me to explain.
To live with pain on a constant basis is a daily mental screw over. It takes every bit of my will power, every bit of my inner fibre, every bit of my fortitude, to be a ‘normal’ human being operating in a ‘normal’ world. After all, most arthritis survivors look ‘normal’. But there is no doubt that the grey dog will appear every once-in-a-while - that’s the nature of Art - it doesn’t mean I have to like the grey dog. And it certainly doesn’t mean I have to pat him, feed him and play with him. In fact, all it means is that I have to learn to change the colour of his fur.
7 comments:
as excited as i was to see a new post from you, i was equally (if not more) upset to see that you've been spending time with your grey dog. i will be praying that he runs away, soon... perhaps you could let him out to play in traffic??? thinking of you, shan.
keep you're chin up. xx rach
Once again, such a beautifully written blog Shan. It breaks my heart to hear about it, but you must keep talking about it and sharing it with us all. Perhaps you could get a cat for the good times? They're so much nicer xox
Ali xox
Shan, So many times I have attempted to respond to this blog and every time I have erased it and started again. You see, like so many others that love you, when I read about your grey dog, my soul bleeds for you. Knowing you, I know that it is not what you want, nor why you decided to share with us your struggles. However, I can relate to you so vividly, just as if those words could have come from my own mouth.
My dog is black and has been for 8 years. I know you are strong and that you have a cross to bear that is so much bigger than any one person deserves to have to carry. I agree that without our mental strength, our physical world can become difficult to tolerate at times. As you know, I draw on strength from you. The way you dress, the way you write, the jokes you make, the person you are and that helps keep the lead of my black dog around my wrist, not my neck. If you can, draw strength from something that can perhaps do the same for you.
There is no easy cure, nor any answers to your grey dilema. All I can say to you is "A leopard doesnt change it's spots" so what ever you do, DO NOT let that dog change to BLACK.
With you always
Jo xxxxxxxx
I am very proud of you Shan, not only for your constant battle with the Grey dog, but for your honest disclosure of ART to the world at large. I am very lucky and fortunate to have met you and to share the wonderful life that you have (grey dog included). Love you always Ruki.
shan. could you e-mail me your number? if you're uncomfortable with that, please don't. i know that's a bit forward. but i'd love to talk with you.
about this dog of yours.
Emily's friend Lora, from babyzeek.com
jesusfreak@new.rr.com
Shan - it is some time since your post and I hope by now that your grey dog has faded to white. I do not know another person who has a stronger mind and fierce determination in which to send him on his way with his tail between his legs.
My love and thoughts...
Kim
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