On Thursday 4th February 2010 I had to do something that broke my heart. I signed a form which consented to euthanise my beloved, Winston Jet, and watched as his life came to an end with the droop of his tail and the freeze of his heart beat. And buried in our new backyard. Since, I've barely eaten, slept or thought about little else. I guess this is what they call - grief.
Sure, I grew up with pets, but that aspect of their life/death was always dealt with by my parents. I cried when I lost my pet rabbit, Charcoal, to the cat next door. I cried when my black cocker spaniel, Betsy May, was put to rest due to cancer. But I was never the one to make the decision, or to watch the injection. I guess that's what they call - childhood.
Winston was 11 years old and I had had him since he was a kitten. He came with me from rental property to rental property, and even had a stint at my parents' house. He lived with Luke and I in our first home and accepted the addition of Sapphire (Sapphy) Bel. Winston was even tolerant of Amaya's 'cuddles' - more like strangles. He was part of the family. Even my oldest brother mentioned that Winston was the only cat he ever liked. I guess that's what you call - companionship.
But at the start of this week, Winston had started to deteriorate quickly. The house move and the bombardment of hot weather had not treated him well. On my emotional return from work on Thursday, I knew his time was nye. The vet didn't tell me otherwise. Luke and I stayed with Winston, sending him our prayers, caressing his head and listened to his last meow. Upon his death, the hot weather broke and the rain began to pitter patter on the steaming ground. I guess that's what they call - release.
As for my grief, I guess all it needs is time. As for my tears, I guess all they need is to continue to fall. As for his spot in the garden, I guess all he needs is my respect and time. As for my throbbing heart, I guess all it needs is some gentle care. I guess that's what they call - love.
7 comments:
oh shan, i know the sadness you're feeling. that choked up feeling in your throat and the grief that grabs your heart. i remember, all too vividly, having to put down both sue and kia, our two dogs. nothing can prepare you for the burden of responsibility in making that choice or seeing it carried out. when joe and i put sue down, we wept together. our sobs made our bodies heave and shake like i've never experienced before. we hadn't gone in thinking that putting sue down was what we'd have to do, so there was no preparing. we had only thought we'd have to put him up for adoption.
it gets better. with time. but while the hurt and grief is fresh, allow yourself to feel these emotions and think of all the memories you have of winston jet to comfort you in this sad time.
My lovely friend Shan,
I am so sorry to hear of Winton passing. Grief is a very personal and individual thing - and in my experience, for the passing of the special people/pets in our lives, we never stop missing them, more that we learn to accept that we don't have them in our lives anymore.
Winston was a beautiful big cat, with a lovely nature. He had a wonderful life and was surrounded by love and attention.... and saffie and Amaya! You made your decision for him, in spite of yourself and your own feelings. Had you been thinking of yourself, you would have allowed him to struggle on, and this would not have been fair.
You are a brave and wonderful woman, and I miss you sooooo much.
Lots of bear hugs, from El XXXXXX
Shan, I was so sorry to read the very sad news about Winston. I know how much he meant to you. I don't think anyone can truely understand the grief one feels at the loss of a pet unless they have loved and lost one of their own. I remember when our pet dog Peggy had to be put down. I cried harder than I ever have in my life. I wasn't brave enough to be with her when she was put to sleep and I will regret it forever. So, as painfull as it must have been for you, it would have comforted Winston to have you with him. You are right, time does heal the soul and you will always have fond memories of him.
My love,thoughts and prayers are with you, Luke and Amaya.
Love Jo
Oh Shan - I too know the horrible grief of having the make the decision after a rapid decline. Mum and dad were away a few years ago and I was looking after Mishka when she took a sudden slide in to decline. There is having a pet die and there is making the decision to do it, so hard but you know it is the right thing and that Winston is no longer in pain.
My thoughts are with you and tears are now welling in my eyes too - for Winston, Mishka and all great animal companions who give so much.
Much love to you,
Kim
I still talk to our little Buzz as I pass him in the garden along the driveway, he has been gone 10years. I still miss him so much
and can still see those beautiful brown eyes and remember the many nights he slept beside my bed so that I could turn him over
when he became old and so frail. I loved him so much just as Karl does his babies Monte amd Lucy, these treasures are always a part of our lives, memories RIP Winston Jet hope you visit Buzz.
Love Jenny xxxxx
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