NB:

Following my 'Sometimes' blog, I received many personal emails.  Some asked me if I was okay.  Others listed their 'sometimes', and on many occasions I was moved to tears when I read them.  Whether a person left a comment on my blog or sent me an email, all were terribly brave.  There is certainly something quite unnerving about sharing one's rawness with the cyber world.

There was one brave friend (Tanya) in particular, who even asked me in person, 'Why do you think it is that you feel that way?'.  (Tanya and I have been friends for 14 years and she has seen many shades of Shan - and, rarely a 'sometimes' Shan over the years.)  I broke down and cried.  I expressed to her that something has happened to me since I have become a mother.  I lack confidence in relation to my decisions, judgement, body shape, future endeavours, occupation and who I am as a person.

I also expressed to Tanya that these feelings of self doubt have diminished since Amaya's preliminary juvenile rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis.  These 'sometimes' have paled into insignificance.  My daughter, who looks so much like her father, has been bedeviled with my arthritic gene.  She needs me more than ever.  She needs a mum who has her shit together.  She needs guidance, direction, empathy, understanding, whilst also displaying weakness - a humane trait.  She doesn't need a mum who still questions the very meaning of existence and lets petty things, and meaningless people, get under her skin.  She needs strength.

My 'Sometimes' piece was about shedding that skin.  Seeking out answers and moving forward.  Thank you for listening. xo