Sometimes I really dislike myself. Sometimes I'm so fed up with who I am that I try to be like others. Sometimes I'm so tired, I could cry. Sometimes I'm in so much RA pain that I contemplate ways to leave this world. Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I'm so disorganised that I can literally feel my blood pressure rise. Sometimes I wonder what my husband even sees in me. Sometimes I disappoint myself because I don't stand up for what I believe in - especially with certain people, and at work. Sometimes I have no idea who 'I' am because I spend my time thinking about how everyone else has their shit together. Sometimes I'm lazy. Sometimes I hold grudges and the other person wouldn't even know. Sometimes I'm so sick of failing my goals and failing myself and my family. Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world. Sometimes I spend too much time thinking about why people are the way they are, rather than accepting it and moving on. Sometimes I think people look at me and comment in their minds on my post-baby weight gain. Sometimes I wonder where the last ten years have gone and reminisce about my youth. Sometimes ... sometimes ... sometimes.
The problem is that these 'sometimes' accumulate to make one big 'most of the time'. And the funny thing is, I know that I'm not alone in this world with these thoughts. It always looks like someone else has got the 'better' life. It's a vicious cycle. It all makes me dislike myself even more. Why do we do it to ourselves? - in particular, why do women do it to themselves, and each other?
The 'Sometimes' topic is something I've been thinking about since September 22nd 2009. On this date, my whole life shook - but that's for another blog entry. For the moment, let me mention that my spirited daughter has been back and forth to the doctors, undertaken x-rays and blood tests. I've often sat with my head in my hands and shed a quiet tear. It has been such an emotional journey that I'm unable, at this stage, to put my feelings down on paper.
For now, as from 22/9/09, life shifted - my eyes opened and my perceptions became unblinkered. I soon found this 'Sometimes' topic more and more prevalent in my thoughts. Why do we live this way? Why do we do it to ourselves? In my recent Year 12 Victorian English Exam marking work, a student wrote a most thought provoking comment in one of their essays. The student wrote, 'life is very short compared to how long you are dead'. Another student wrote about 'The Crucible' and extended the play to have the reader witness the execution of Elizabeth soon after the birth of her child. This essay made me cry in front of all the other examiners. Not one student has ever done that to me before.
I couldn't stop thinking about my 'sometimes'. I'd like the evidence that I'm not alone. What are your 'sometimes'? And please, don't tell me my 'non-sometimes' assets because that's not what I need. A shake of reality is a positive call for all.
4 comments:
Sometimes it's easy to lose track of just how much you are loved. Sometimes we brush that love off too easily. Sometimes we forget to cherish what we have. Sometimes I waffle on too much!!
Is it kind of like you have a massive head ache because you've been yelling abuse at yourself in your own head for the past 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 years of your life?
Give yourself a break Shan - and as a wise t-shirt once said - 'Life is joyous, be brave'.
The "sometimes" you mention comes from the anxious Child within. Our inner Child is both a source of joy and a source of anxiety, irrational anxiety that is. The way to overcome this is to strengthen our Adult, to look at our anxieties in a rational way using our adult judgement. This is an important task for us all.
Shan,
Firstly, you are not alone. My 'sometimes' thoughts make me feel like I have a split personality. I will spend hours torturng myself with 'why, how, when, who' and in the same thought process say to myself "lighten up Jo". Shan you are not alone.
My biggest 'sometimes' thought is what would my life be like if at any given moment in the past had I made a different choice? Would I be married? Would I be a mother? Would I be more financially stable, the list goes on and on.
Through all this, I have concluded a few things though and when my mind tends to wonder off track I tell myself...
The grass isn't greener on the other side - everyone has their shit that they have to deal with.
There is always someone worse off than you. Don't try to compete with others that are better off than you, this is a massive waste of your prescious time.
Your student is right, life has meaning because there is death and its not that life is short, its that death is long.
Go confidently in the direction you believe to be the best for you at the time and know that when your mind wonders, you are not alone.
Jo. xxxx
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