Nothing provokes us quite like motherhood. It nurture us, divides us and makes us unnaturally judgemental. Men, women, mothers, non-mothers all have an opinion of it. Mothers are scrutinised by the media and lectured to by friends, family and anyone else who cares to have a say. And we judge them mercilessly. Everyone it seems, has something to say on motherhood. Should we demand feed? Is it safe to use controlled crying? Breast milk or formula? When is it safe to begin feeding solids? Contact with pets and secondhand toys? Should we never leave a baby in the car, even to nick into the bakery? Decorate the baby's room with leadbased paint? Working mothers are bad mothers? Strict routine or easy-go routine? Too posh to push? And what about all the pressure during pregnancy? ...
Maybe we all consider ourselves the ultimate experts on the hardest job in the world because after all, every one has had a mother.
And what about the mothers who mourn the loss of their social lives and rail against the pressures to be a textbook mother whose bodies spring back into shape and don't complain about the drudgery and continuous loop of feed, change, play, sleep?
Just the other day I was watching a most moving Australian drama series, 'Love My Way' (anyone seen it?), with the most beautiful Claudia Karvan, and one of the main couples were having a conversation. I'll put you in know ... Julia has just had a baby boy, Toby, and she asks her husband, Charlie, 'What do you miss in life before we had Toby?'. Charlie quickly responds, 'Time with each other and surfing. Yep, surfing.' Charlie then asks Julia the same question and she responds, 'Me. I miss myself'.
It seems quite ironic to me that I have chosen to watch this series at this time in my life. After hearing Julia's response, I too cried and thought about my 'old' self and the 'new' self - and all the new pressures I feel as a mother. Well, here are my truths: I did not have a natural labour - or I did not 'give birth' as some harsh critics have put it; I do not breastfeed; I use controlled crying; I have left Amaya in the car; yes, to a strict eating and sleeping routine; and yes, to putting honey on her dummy; I began feeding her solids at 3 and 1/2 months; two cats reside in my house; at times I couldn't wait to get out with my girlfriends; and, to top it all off, I am a working two-day-week mum - already.
These truths have filled me with mother's guilt time and time again. I have shed so many tears, doubted myself on so many levels, looked into the dark abyss on many occasions, and kept so much of it to myself so that others wouldn't judge me as a mother. In fact, having a child has not changed me into a child-centred person who is completely fulfilled by having a baby, which I thought motherhood was meant to do. (Even writing that last sentence fills me with a whole lot of guilt for making it public to the world.) Don't get me wrong, I love Amaya more than I can verbally express, but she cannot be my everything if I am to love the combined 'old' and 'new' me.
There is no doubt that the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to a country, to the world, and to mankind, is to bring up a child. Enough society with mother's guilt, and hopefully in turn, my mother's guilt too will have had enough.
6 comments:
Shan, this is the first time I have seen your blogspot and it reminds me how lucky I am and how lucky I was when growing up to have had someone like you in my life.
Guilt is a habit (yes, in a way I do think it is a habit) that I am always giving in to. It can be destructive and counter productive but it is something that I have trouble ignoring. Unfortunately I don't have any great tips for defeating the guilt but not sure that I want to always ignore or defeat it, it is part of what makes us compassionate and human.
I read your latest blog and it actually makes me feel better! I don't have children; sometimes I want to and other times I think I would make a bad mother and am quite positive I am not naturally maternal. (This makes me feel guilty by the way!) I feel better reading your blog because it shows that motherhood is not perfect or easy or necessairily that natural (which some people like to suggest it is). I feel inspired by your actions in remaining true to yourself despite pressures and guilt.
I have absolutely no doubt that you are a great mum. I have even more confidence that, when Amaya is older, that you will be a true role model for your daughter.
Much love,
Kim
To My beautiful friend,
Doesnt it feel liberating to bear ones soul.... and this entry "A mother's guilt", is definately a both hands flicking the bird to all the people that have made you feel like crap for some of the choices that you have made! Good on you!
In order for us to be the best mother we can be, we must not loose sight of ourselves, lest we begin to resent the child and all that we have given up for them! If my son was the only thing in my life, what a dull and boring existence I should have!
The choices we make are the best ones for us and our families... there are no fixed and rigid rules.... babies are different, just as adults are different and the things they need and the reactions that are induced are very individual. Aside from the individual characteristics of both mothers and children, what then of situation.... health, finances???? Wouldn't we all love to have enough money in the bank to not worry about working??? The truth is, even if I won the lottery, and I had another baby, I would still want to get out of the house and do something, maybe voluntary work, just to have an adult conversation and a different challenge to fill my day occassionally!! Does that make me a bad mother??? No, because I know that I would be fullfilling a different aspect of myself, so that when I returned to my child, I could give them my best, because I feel happy and fullfilled!
Though wonderful and exciting, my baby did not satisfy all sides to my character. I didnt want to just be Josh's mum.... I wanted to be Lynda!
Who says breast is best??? Its not best for your tits... thats for sure! Oh, they must mean best for the baby..... only if they can actually get the milk out that is.... else they would starve!
As for too posh to push... there is no doubt my mitzy moo was sore after after squeezing a 9lb 8 oz baby through it, but this would be my preference over a cesarean any day of the week! I applaud your bravery - I know the recovery period, the pain and the shock to the hormones, indeed the body in general for a cesarean, far exeeds that of a 'natural' labour! Rest assured, all of us that know you, know that you were not 'too posh'!
Let me close by saying you are a wonderful mother. Beautiful Amaya blossoms every time I see her, and your face lights up with pride as you talk about the new obsticles she has overcome. The decisions you make are not generic and are not up for scrutiny or discussion. You know your daughter best and are most familiar with the bigger picture - therefore, you are the most qualified to make decision. Any fool only has to look at your wonderful daughter to see that even though you are a first time mother... you are doing it right. Relax and stop feeling that you have to justify and proove yourself! She is perfect!!!!
Love El XXXXXXXXXXXXX
oh shan, after i read your blog today, i felt empowered. i applaud your honesty and i marvel at how connected we mothers really are. i told my cousin sarah after she had her baby boy, that when you become a mother, you join an exclusive club of women who are forever changed. i am not sure what makes people feel free to criticise or make remarks about things related to motherhood. it starts before your baby is even born, with comments about your pregnancy. and the disappointing thing is most often these remarks come from other WOMEN! one thing that the baby books never mention IS the guilt. and i don't think that it ever goes away. but the important thing to remember is not to give into it. we are better mothers if we remember to take care of ourselves as people...to maintain our own interests...have a life outside of the ones we live for our children. and remember, in the eyes of our children, we are perfect...and for that, it's worth it.
love,
n
these are some of my truths... after theo was born, i honestly thought that i should have waited until i was a bit older before i had a baby. i missed thinking about what i thought about before he was born... me!! i didn't breastfeed him. i know now that if i would have tried harder, i could have done it. but it would have been at the expense of my sanity (which was faltering, at best.) i've let both of my boys cry themselves to sleep. i work full time outside of our house (and i wouldn't have it any other way. i love my job. i don't think i would be a very good mom if i stayed at home.) both of my childbirths were natural. however, what drove me more than the health benefits for mama and baby was the competition with my sister (who'd had 2 natural childbirths before me.) i HATE my postpartum body. i don't care if it shows that i grew two beautiful baby boys inside of me... i miss my perky boobs, my flat tummy, and my tight ass. i, too, have spent a lot of time feeling guilty. fortunately, i have friends like norbyah and sisters who have supported my every decision, my every move... even when it wasn't one that they themselves would have made. i can hear norbyah telling me, "you need to do what is best for you and your baby, and i will do what is best for me and mine." thanks to God that what that is isn't exactly the same for any two women. what a dreadfully boring world this would be!!! thanks for the great post. i'd be happy to swap truths with you any time! love, emily
I am not a mother. So who says I know what mother's guilt is all about? Mmmmm. Is it not obvious enough that our society forces us to believe that there is only one right way to do things. Look at all the magazines directed towards females. Do they not strive to make women feel that there is only the fashionable way to behave, to look, to feel? What has happened to free speech in our capitalist society? We are now driven to live up to expectations imposed by our brethren for commercial, religious, socialist, fashionable and medical reasons (and others but I will stop there), but at the end of the day life cannot be analysed in a snapshot; there are just too many variables. So long as we are true to our hearts and act in good conscience it does not matter the choice for it will be good. I admire my wife for her choices are wise. I am fortunate to have her. So don't feel guilty you are perfect and your decisions are too.
Shan,
Reading this post has invoked some strong feelings within me. As we have been friends for over 14 years, you know me well. I am always punnishing myself for decisions I have made, who they may effect or decisions I am going to make and I seem to go around in circles all the time because of GUILT. It is amazing what we as mothers will endure as a result of guilt. For examle, I didn't want pethedine in labour because it would make my baby floppy(i'm crazy) and I couldn't live with the fact that I caused it because I couldn't tolerate what many women do naturally. I had to stop breast feeding because I needed medicine that I couldnt take if i was breast feeding and for that I feel the guilt burning in my soul. A nurse said to me "nothing you do to keep your son or yourself happy and healthy is wrong" That is the best bit of advice I received in this difficult time. Guilt can at times be a useless emotion and maybe at times, it can protect us? I need you to know that I believe you are a great mum and like us all, will make mistakes, learn and if you get the opportunity to, pass on what you have learnt to someone else. I love your honesty. P.S I wish I knew you were feeding Amaya solids, get over here and show me how it's done, I can't keep a thing in my son's mouth. Jo xxxx
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