Farewell

To my loyal followers, 

It's time for me to say farewell to you and Inklings Ink ... forever.

I first started this blog after my first daughter, Amaya, was born four years ago.  My first post was entitled, 'Welcome to Me'.  Here is some of that post:

I have finally entered the world of modern technology ... Amaya's existence has made me want to live.  It has made me want to: be more; aim higher; live fulfilled; and fear less.  Hopefully you enjoy this blog journey as much as me.

The entry also included this special, special photograph on my firstborn.

How much my life has changed, reshaped itself and grown since those first entries.  How much I've learnt about motherhood, Amaya, friendships, arthritic pain, dreams and aspirations - my journey through this world.  And now of course, living across the other side of Melbourne, starting a new job, and having the very strong and persistent, Remy Arwen, join our little family.  All of this, I've shared with you and you with me.

There is no doubting that I've had my ups and downs with it, but I've always soldiered on hoping I could connect more with my fellow peeps.  Most of the time I felt that I was able to achieve this aim.  But, other times I would question why was I doing this blog.  What was my main objective?

This is where I began to get lost and this blog began to come undone.  I lost heart.  I lost inspiration.  I felt that I wasn't been real to my readers.  It wasn't what I wanted to do - anymore.  Something has really shifted with me this year.  I've never taken a year off in life to reflect on who I am and what I want from life.  I've always rolled from school, to university, to work, to university, and back to work.  2011 has forced me to sit, reflect, question, redefine, and realise that some things in life really are possible.  Dreams - eventually - can become reality.  And reality is something to behold when it is wholly fulfilled.

So it is time I, and Inklings Ink, bid you adieu.  Thank you to all who have supported and commented over the past four years.  I hope you won't miss me too much. xo

...................................    

For those that are interested, I'm shifting my focus and starting another blog about living with arthritis.  I feel that this is where I need to lay my heart bare.  I'm tired of feeling lonely in my pain.  Even if you don't have arthritis, it would be lovely to have you on board.  Because in understanding each other, we learn more about ourselves.

If you're keen - the more the merrier - shoot me an email at the following address and I'll add you to my mailing list: lifeandtimeswithart@gmail.com

Some Days

Some days ...

Some days I feel in control of life, and other days I'm clocking the hours until the children are in bed.

Some days I feel lonely, super lonely, and other days I'm filled with friendship.

Some days I lash out at my husband because I wonder what's in this for me, and other days I know for sure that I'm the glue that holds our little family together.

Some days I make lists and cross every item off that list, and other days I don't even put pen to paper.

Some days I'm really selfish, and other days all I want is to be with my girls. 

Some days the pain of Art grinds me to a crying halt, and other days I hold on tight and will not let the pain define me.

Some days girl number one makes me feel so physically tired, and other days all I want to do is play on the floor with her.

Some days I leave my kitchen a mess before bed, and other days I construct a new policy with myself to clean it because it feels so much better in the morning.

Some days I feel like a lazy arsed mother, and other days I fill the day with activity upon activity.

Some days I feel like I have lost my intellectual drive, and other days I think up new plans and read the newspaper back-to-front.

Some days girl number two makes me ache, and other days I snuggle because I know that she is definitely my last.

Some days I promise to myself that tomorrow I'll do life like this, this and this, and other days I couldn't wish for a better future.

Some days I don't neaten, and other days I make all the beds in the house before I open the curtains. 

Some days I lack any inspiration from anyone, and other days I feel empowered by so many people around me.

Some days ...

What are you 'some days'?

Pink Party

This year Amaya celebrated her 4th birthday party in pink style.  The party invitation specifically stated that guests needed to come 'perfectly primped in [their] pink outfit'.  We held the party at the local gardens and fortunately the weather/rain held off - in fact it was so lovely and warm standing in the sun.

A yearly tradition - my mother made the beautiful birthday cake.

Amaya was so excited about her birthday this year.  She looked forward to her two birthday celebrations - one with our little family and another with friends and family.  And, she received some of the most perfect gifts.  The people in her life know her so well.

Amaya admiring her cake whilst we all sang Happy Birthday

I cannot believe girl number one is four years old.  I still remember the c-section.  I still remember the doctor holding her above the screen and informing Luke and I that we had a baby girl, on which I promptly asked Luke to double check - her gender was such a shock.  I still remember the crash after her birth.  The depression and many hours of counselling to follow.  But, in her arrival to this world she has made me love like never before.  I ache when I'm not with her.  I miss her voice, her laugh, her constant chatter, her curious questions and unique personality.  In a heart beat she brought me deep joy.  And now with Remy in our lives I feel completely fulfilled.

Amaya's friends from school were perfectly pink.  Good effort team.

Just the other day Amaya was asking me if I was going to die.  Death is her latest topic of obsession.  I believe in an open policy and I told her that I was going to die one day.  We all do.  She quickly informed me that she didn't want me to die because she would miss me too much.  And so she thought of a way to keep me here - she is planning on holding on tight to my top, my pants, my shoes and my undies, just so I'll never die.  She was pretty proud of her action plan.

Make a wish!

This little girl is mine forever.  I love celebrating her birthdays.  Love making them extra special for her.  I cannot wait to celebrate so many more of them - even if she feels the need to hold onto my undies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 4th AMAYA EVE!  

(More commonly known as May May)

She is so proud of herself.  She is 4!

Things Not to Say

Recently I read an article about 15 things not to say to someone who has RA.  I was glued to every word.  It felt like - at last - someone understood my daily frustrations.  I have reworded and reshaped this article so that it suits my thoughts and current life circumstances.

The next time you see me, please do not say any of the following.  And if you have said any of the following to me in the past, do not say them again.  Good - I'm glad we got that sorted :)

Those drugs are too dangerous

As someone who has RA you don't think I already know this?  Taking medication is not a decision I make lightly.  Every day I weigh up the effect that the medication could/will have on me in the future with the my current situation.  That is, am I far happier living in the moment with somewhat less pain because of the medication, than living in the moment in excruciating pain without the medication?  Each day out of a wheelchair and off the operating table is a bonus for me.  

My grandmother has it

You know what ... your grandmother more than likely has osteoarthritis which is caused by old age.  More than three quarters of the elderly population would have osteoarthritis purely because of their age.  It's a rite of passage into senior-hood.  This statement often shows me how little the conversing person knows about arthritis and its different members of the family.

You need to exercise more

Yep, know how this one works - the more you exercise the better the joints feel and the stronger the muscles become.  Unfortunately, sometimes I can barely pull myself out of bed and walk down the stairs to give my children breakfast.  Some days my mind is so exhausted from dealing with chronic pain that the idea of exercise is painful.  And some days, my body just needs a rest.  Seriously, I'm doing the best I can.  This always follows on with the thought: losing weight might help.  Granted, this is true too.  But let me explain two things to you: RA medication can cause you to retain fluid, increase your appetite and as a result increase your weight.  Also, food is a comfort for the pain.  It's a vicious cycle.  The comfort from food is only momentary and some days my mental strength is better than others, and some days I want to jump off the Westgate Bridge just to have a break from the pain.

Have you tried ... ?

The amount of times people have read an article, seen something on a current affairs program or heard something that worked from a friend and passed it onto me, is countless.  I know that their intentions are of a good nature and they just want to assist me in any way they know how, but if I thought something really worked I would have already bought it and given it a go.  I have had RA for 33 years and I've concluded that nothing works besides medication, spa baths and red wine. 

But you look fine!

This is true ... you can't even tell that I have RA.  But, what does RA look like?  Swollen crooked knuckles?  If you looked closer at me you would see disjointed limbs, but due to years of experience I'm very good at choosing appropriate attire and wearing makeup to cover the pain.  If you ever see me without makeup and hanging about in casual clothes you can assume I'm having a shitty time.

Let me know if I can do anything for you

I often hear this one from many different people - even my husband.  And whilst I am so grateful that you are seeking out if I need assistance, I live in chronic pain.  Have you ever had pain for a whole day?  It's difficult to make a decision for myself, my husband and my children without then having to decide for you what you can do for me.  Just do anything, I'll be forever grateful.

I have it in my right forefinger knuckle

Shut the fuck up!  I have it all over my body - in every joint.  You moan about the pain you feel in a small joint - one small joint - try living in my whole body for just one hour.  Sometimes people ask me what RA pain feels like and my answer is often this: 'Have you ever been to the gym and had a really big workout and the next day you can barely move due to the soreness in your muscles?  That's what RA feels like, but times it by ten - day in day out, just on a different scale out of that ten.'

Thanks for listening, and much appreciated. xo

Fashion Girl

The various fashion shots before bath time ...

Shopping girl

Princess girl

Church girl

School girl

My Health Journey - Week 4

This week I lost 800 grams - now down to 94.8kgs.  So glad to be under the 95kg mark.  With that said, I feel like this journey is a l-o-n-g one.  My goal weight is 75 - 78kgs - still have some way to go.  But my aim is to get there due to my 35 List.  Love crossing things off that List.

Things running through my head this week: are the calories worth it in that piece of food?  That's my latest obsession: calories and nutritional value.

I'm going to try something different this week.  I'm not going to choose a number, rather I'm just going to say that I'd like to be under 94.5kgs.  We'll see what happens.

How did you peeps go?  Alicia?  How's yoga going for you Tanya?

'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother'

A book like this hasn't got under my skin for some time.  'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother' by Amy Chua is a persuasive text regarding the way Chinese parents raise their children in comparison with Western mothers.  The main premise of the text is that Chinese parents believe in the success of their children and therefore carry high expectations.  Western parents, on the other hand, are willing to accept mediocre outcomes as long as the child has 'tried their best'.  

There is no doubt that there are many more successful Chinese students than there are Western students.  There is no doubt that many of these Chinese children are pushed to reach success.  The Chinese realise that the harder you work at something, the more you get it right, and the more that you get it right the more that you enjoy it.  The joy of success far outweighs the frustration to get to that outcome.

Once I started getting into this book I realised that I was a truly Western mother.  I was willing to accept certain behaviours in my daughter because I didn't want to look harsh to the rest of the parenting world.  Or, I didn't want my daughter to love me less because I was being too harsh on her.  I was also willing to accept mediocre learning abilities when I knew in my heart that my daughter is very intelligent and creative, and needs to be pushed.  The day I decided to become more of a Chinese mother - and not entirely a Chinese mother - was the day my daughter started to change.  

The first day I pushed and pushed her with her number writing.  She had to get it right.  Soon the 'I can't' attitude from her became smiles of success at her own achievement and she was soon writing 1 - 10.

The second day I decided to work with her on the alphabet, her name and her sister's name.  She had to verbally complete the alphabet with only one error, which we managed to do after many turns.  The smile on her face when she realised she could do it was something else.

On the third day she wrote a birthday card to her 86 year old great nanna.  She had originally written her name and drew pictures in black pen, but I decided that wasn't good enough.  Her great nanna is 86 years old and deserved more time and care given to her by my daughter in her card.  And so Amaya worked at it for a better result.  She coloured in the pictures - neatly and with care.

On the fourth day I had booked Amaya into Art class, moved her up in her ballet class (which also included jazz and tap), and also moved her up in her swimming class.  All of her teachers had told me that Amaya had talent in these areas, but I had being sitting on my hands because she hadn't turned four yet.  Doesn't matter - she has talent.

 

Don't get my wrong ... I'm not going to push Amaya where she doesn't have talent.  For example, Amaya isn't going to be a fantastic athlete - she is too clumsy and too awkward.  But, I'm going to push her where she does have talent.  I'm going to financially invest in her future.  She has talent in ballet and the Arts.  As for literacy and numeracy, that's a given.  She will be pushed to excel above her peers.

I know this probably sounds pushy to most of you and I can hear this question : where is her childhood in all that?  Trust me, Amaya has enough 'childhood' time.  As Amy Chua stated in her book - are Chinese children any less unhappy than Western children because they are pushed?  In fact, I would beg to argue that most Western children are more unhappy, frustrated and lost because of their lack of direction and parental intervention.  I base this evidence on what I have seen in my classroom.

In all honesty, Chinese parenting requires consistency and sometimes this can be quite draining.  It also requires a lot of parental attention and planning.  Too often I see Western children with gadgets in their hands, things in their ears, televisions on the backs of their seats, x-boxes in their bedrooms, and books on iPads - do the parents not want to communicate with them?  Western parents must be more willing to put in the hard yards with their children.  Why else did they have them?  Have they really lost the battle?  Who's the adult in the relationship?

Now for my first-ever give away on this blog.  I want to share this book with others.  The deal is this: leave a comment regarding your views on parenting and your name will go into the entry to win the book for free.  I'll even post it your way.  Be brave and join the draw.  I'll post the winner next Friday.  You have one week to enter - parents and non-parents, all welcome. 

Best/Worst

BEST:

I managed to get away for a couple of days.  Remy and I went down to my parents' beach house to spend some time with them before they travel overseas.  Not only was it good to spend some solo time with Remy to work out her tired and hunger signs, but it was also good to be with my parents.  Sometimes when you become a parent yourself, you lose sight of the relationship you once had with your parents - without children around (particularly those children that can talk and walk!).  Maybe parents feels a little replaced, or disconnected? I think it's still like nurturing an important friendship. 

WORST:

Not all will understand my worst for this week ... my 750ml water bottle leaked in my Crumpler.  Not only this, but it wet my entire diary and writing book.  Everything was wet, wet, wet.  My pages are smudged and crinkled.  My writing book practically snapped in half and I had to buy another one.  My love of stationery is altogether something else - really!

What were your best/worst for the week?  Gaining insight into each others' worlds helps us to understand one another better.  I love reading them! xo

Motherhood

Many of us don't really get the time to reflect on who we are, and what we have become, until we take  time off work to look after our bubs.  

I know that I'm personally loving my 12 months.  I have NEVER taken time off like this before.  Once I had finished secondary school I went straight to university and then straight into my first job.  I then went back to university as an adult and also worked part time.  When I had my first child I only took two months off work.  Now we can afford for me to take time off - and my head space is much better with baby number two. 

This year already I have started working through my 35 List and am feeling a great sense of achievement.  Most importantly, I have started my issues-based blog (www.thewordhamper.blogspot.com), which I had been banging on about for years!  The time has also made me reflect on how much energy and time with give to our occupations.  This is certainly something I'm going to explore further throughout the year.  I need plans in place so that I find a comfortable meeting ground between work and my personal life.

Anyway, enough about me ... my friend, Al, is also on maternity leave (we live five minutes away from one another!).  She loves to sew and this time at home has given her the opportunity to explore, create and make some gorgeous pieces.  I'm far from keen on sewing - or even okay at it - so I always marvel at how others can create their pieces of work.

Here are some pictures of Al's latest creation - bibs with terry towelling on the other side so that you can wet the bib and wipe the bub's face clean after the feed.  All in the one bib.  Such a great idea!  Watch out 'The New Inventors'!

What do you think?

Best/Worst

ME! - In the car alone and pumping the beats.

BEST

This week's 'best' was definitely hitting another number on my 35 List - starting my new social/issues based website.  There is no way I could have done this without the constant assistance and technological know-how from my buddy, Alison.  The idea of the new blog is to present to the internet audience one issue a week.  This issue is written up in such a way that all can understand its content.  The aim at the end of each posting is to encourage discussion - with no judgement on each others' comments.  I love doing the research, reading and writing into each issue - I'm a bit of junkie when it comes to news, news and news.  It would be greatly appreciated for all those that follow/look at this blog to have a look also at the issues-based blog.  I need the support and encouragement to keep going because I have no idea where it will lead me.  Check it out at www.thewordhamper.blogspot.com

WORST

Across the road from my house is an Aboriginal family.  I haven't had much to do with Aboriginal people and have never really fully comprehended the gap between the native people of Australia and 'white fellas' - in a practical sense that is.  In this three bedroom house are two parents and eight children.  One child in particular grabs at my heart strings.  She is about 11 years old and every morning when I go outside she also comes outside.  She is always in her school uniform - ready to start the day - but I never see her go to school.  Her mother simply doesn't take her - in fact she doesn't take any of the children.  There just doesn't seem the emphasis towards education and I now see the media and politicians' push to narrow this divide between the cultures - not that I necessarily think either are using the right policies.  Last week I really started to make an effort with this little girl.  I now talk to her and encourage Amaya to also talk to her.  I'm even thinking of asking her mum if I can take her to school because she clearly wants to - and needs to - attend.  But what I really want to do is to make her all mine. 



What were your best/worst for the week?

We have a Smile! :)

This little poppet is starting to really smile and it makes my heart melt every time.  Love you Remy. xo

Best/Worst

This week's insight into my existence:

Best:

We spent the weekend down at my parents' house beside the beach.  The best part of this trip was playing 'What's the Time Mr Wolf' and 'Duck, Duck, Goose' with my nieces, nephew and Amaya.  We had so much fun and Amaya had us in hysterics with all her little antics - and bossiness mind you.  The rules seemed to change from minute to minute - particularly when it was her turn.

Worst:

Feels like I have a little cry once a week ... but, this week's worst was when my precious Amaya woke up on the Saturday night screaming and crying.  She complained that her legs were hurting as she was thrashing around in her bed.  It took a bit to console her and sooth her back to sleep.  My heart ached for her knowing full well her pain.  Luckily it was dark and she couldn't see the tears streaming down my face. xo

What were your best/worst for the week?

Best/Worst

The 'Best/Worst' entries are an opportunity for all of us to have a glimpse into each others' worlds.  Once upon a time, people dropped in for cups of tea, rang each other on the landline, hand wrote letters, and were much more available for one another in a physical sense.  My blog is a new form of communication for all.

Please leave your best/worst for the week.  Here are mine:

Best:

On two occasions I had the opportunity to rest and relax in our new therapeutic spa bath.  I know that it is a luxury item, but it was worth the wait and the money.  There is nothing like lying back with a good read, a cold drink and the jets massaging my weary body - without a three year old wanting to hop in with me!  

Worst:

On Thursday, Luke had the chop.  Yes ladies and gentlemen, Luke had a vasectomy.  He is one brave man and certainly seems to be in the minority.  I will be forever grateful for Luke's decision and I know that he has done it also as a means to protect me from the woes of my condition if we were to accidentally fall pregnant again.  So why do you ask, is it a 'worst' for me this week?  You all know how much I would love to have more children, but my condition makes this a challenging task for me.  In fact, if I were to fall pregnant again I really don't know if I could be a very good mother.  The constant pain would be debilitating and I would find it very difficult to keep on top of our active lifestyle.  Luke having the chop meant that having another baby was really over.  This, within itself, is a grief process for me and one that has brought me to tears on many occasions.

March Favourite

I know that it's not winter ... yet ... but I've already picked up my winter boots for the fashion season ahead.  I usually buy your classic black knee high boots - but not this year.  My boots this season are Pinkerton, low calf gumboot-like blue boots.  We've had a couple of rainy days and on I popped my boots.  They are super comfortable and can be worn with anything.  I'm set for the cold and rainy Melbourne winter.

Little Remy

Little Remy Arwen is doing so well.

She is so so placid and has fitted perfectly into the family routine.

Aside from projectile vomits, she is perfectly healthy and normal.

We had our final parvo check off today.

No more visits to the neo-natal doctor.

Remy is a fairer version of Amaya.

Luke's genes are terribly strong.

She brings me great joy and I love kissing her little butterfly lips.

But I'm done ... spent ... no more children for me.

Not any children physically of my own - though.

It's too hard.  Too tough.

The physical toll on my body is crippling.

Yet, I still yearn to spread my love ... already.

Cannot wait to access the other ways to make our clan bigger.

Best/Worst

Continuously dressing up. xo

Worst:

I know that I should say something about: the conflict in Libya; or the earthquake and nuclear emissions in Japan: or the housing protests in Italy; or the fact that Darcy Freeman's dad is claiming manslaughter; or the middle class struggles in Wisconsin; or any other fucked up matter that is taking place on this globe - but no, this is my little world and I can't see passed my own nose right?  Mind you, I have survived two category five cyclones and understand the pure emptiness of natural disasters once the destruction has passed.

With that said, and my conscience somewhat spared, I hit a funk this week.  The sleep deprivation really made me grumpy and a very impatient mother.  To top that off, I've dropped half a steroid in order to allow the disease modifying drugs to work their medicine.  It really is like heroin!  Each day I start off hopeful and positive, but by 4pm I hit the wall and can barely walk - just when the children start their witching hour.

Best:

I completed another item on my 35 List - I went to the ballet with my mum.  Together we had a lovely lunch and spent the afternoon watching the angelic and athletic moves of the dancers in 'Madame Butterfly'.  I really enjoyed watching the ballet and if I had spare cash lying around I would definitely take another seat in the theatre.    

What were your best/worst for the week?  

Pot Luck Hamstring

You so have to check this out.  It is fu#*ing hilarious.  Make sure you have the sound up and that you are ready to dance like it's somewhere in the 80s.  Every time I watch it I cry with laughter - for the outfit, the dance moves, the music and of course, the injury.

Solo Time

Since little Remy has entered our lives, I'm very aware of the change this has had on Amaya's world.  Amaya has to accept a sleep deprived mum whose hands and time goes elsewhere.  For the most part, Amaya is doing exceptionally well, albeit a few 'princess meltdowns' on Amaya's behalf.

However, there are times when I yearn to be alone with Amaya.  We have such fun together and she makes me laugh - laugh loud - at her quirky statements and curiosity of the world.  Therefore, I make a very strong point of having 'solo time' with her.  I picked up on this idea of 'solo time' from my friend, Norbyah - and she has three children to spread this solo time over!

For our 'solo time' this week Amaya and I went to our favourite noodle place in Footscray.  The Asian culture, restaurants and people do children far better than the stuffy Anglo culture.  They are so lovely with Amaya and I'm never embarrassed of the noise and mess she makes in their space.  Amaya's favourite is the 'yellow noodles and trees'.

Best/Worst

What were your best/worst for the week?  Feel free to leave your comment.

Here are my best/worst for the week ...

Best:

During the week my parents and one brother stopped by for dinner.  Since moving to inner Melbourne, I'm now two hours away from my parents.  So having them over for a mid-week dinner was a special treat.  They even had the opportunity to surprise Amaya and pick her up from school.  The very next day she asked whether they would pick her up again :(.  It was so lovely to have everyone sitting around the dinner table, sharing a glass of red and enjoying some fresh seafood and vegetables.

Worst:

This week my friend, Alison, and I, attended our dear friend's mother's funeral.  It is attending such events that one realises the finality of life and all relationships that surround that lost person.  Our friend gave a eulogy at her mother's funeral.  Our friend made me laugh and made cry for her loss and the memories she shared with her mother.  Her eulogy was so very honest and she spoke so openly about her complicated relationship with her mother.  Our friend was so so so so brave.  And continues to be so so so so brave.  I love her even more for her strength, yet also for her fragility.  

The funeral had me thinking about death - not that I need more time thinking about death since I have recently finished the 'Six Feet Under' series!  

In death, do we understand someone more? 

 In death, do we appreciate the person more?

In death, do we cling to life more?       

February Favourite

Our house is under constant renovations.  It is a continuous work in progress.  I really should take photographs and display them on this blog.  Over the last couple of months, each family member has being moving bedrooms and beds in order to cope with renovations, painting, floor sanding and new arrivals.  We are now all in our rightful bedrooms and in our rightful beds.  It feels so good to be back in my futon.  On a side note, I think most of our family and friends think we're nuts for sleeping in a futon.  May May has one too and one family member told me this was a form of torture for my daughter!  Nonetheless, we love our futons!  And that is February's favourite - my futon and this bedspread.  I'd forgotten how much I loved it.  LOVE IT!