Inkling's Ink

Farewell

2011-09-15T14:18:00.000+10:00

To my loyal followers,

It's time for me to say farewell to you and Inklings Ink ... forever.

I first started this blog after my first daughter, Amaya, was born four years ago. My first post was entitled, 'Welcome to Me'. Here is some of that post:

I have finally entered the world of modern technology ... Amaya's existence has made me want to live. It has made me want to: be more; aim higher; live fulfilled; and fear less. Hopefully you enjoy this blog journey as much as me.

The entry also included this special, special photograph on my firstborn.

How much my life has changed, reshaped itself and grown since those first entries. How much I've learnt about motherhood, Amaya, friendships, arthritic pain, dreams and aspirations - my journey through this world. And now of course, living across the other side of Melbourne, starting a new job, and having the very strong and persistent, Remy Arwen, join our little family. All of this, I've shared with you and you with me.

There is no doubting that I've had my ups and downs with it, but I've always soldiered on hoping I could connect more with my fellow peeps. Most of the time I felt that I was able to achieve this aim. But, other times I would question why was I doing this blog. What was my main objective?

This is where I began to get lost and this blog began to come undone. I lost heart. I lost inspiration. I felt that I wasn't been real to my readers. It wasn't what I wanted to do - anymore. Something has really shifted with me this year. I've never taken a year off in life to reflect on who I am and what I want from life. I've always rolled from school, to university, to work, to university, and back to work. 2011 has forced me to sit, reflect, question, redefine, and realise that some things in life really are possible. Dreams - eventually - can become reality. And reality is something to behold when it is wholly fulfilled.

So it is time I, and Inklings Ink, bid you adieu. Thank you to all who have supported and commented over the past four years. I hope you won't miss me too much. xo

...................................

For those that are interested, I'm shifting my focus and starting another blog about living with arthritis. I feel that this is where I need to lay my heart bare. I'm tired of feeling lonely in my pain. Even if you don't have arthritis, it would be lovely to have you on board. Because in understanding each other, we learn more about ourselves.

If you're keen - the more the merrier - shoot me an email at the following address and I'll add you to my mailing list: lifeandtimeswithart@gmail.com

Some Days

2011-08-25T14:57:00.000+10:00

Some days ...

Some days I feel in control of life, and other days I'm clocking the hours until the children are in bed.

Some days I feel lonely, super lonely, and other days I'm filled with friendship.

Some days I lash out at my husband because I wonder what's in this for me, and other days I know for sure that I'm the glue that holds our little family together.

Some days I make lists and cross every item off that list, and other days I don't even put pen to paper.

Some days I'm really selfish, and other days all I want is to be with my girls.

Some days the pain of Art grinds me to a crying halt, and other days I hold on tight and will not let the pain define me.

Some days girl number one makes me feel so physically tired, and other days all I want to do is play on the floor with her.

Some days I leave my kitchen a mess before bed, and other days I construct a new policy with myself to clean it because it feels so much better in the morning.

Some days I feel like a lazy arsed mother, and other days I fill the day with activity upon activity.

Some days I feel like I have lost my intellectual drive, and other days I think up new plans and read the newspaper back-to-front.

Some days girl number two makes me ache, and other days I snuggle because I know that she is definitely my last.

Some days I promise to myself that tomorrow I'll do life like this, this and this, and other days I couldn't wish for a better future.

Some days I don't neaten, and other days I make all the beds in the house before I open the curtains.

Some days I lack any inspiration from anyone, and other days I feel empowered by so many people around me.

Some days ...

What are you 'some days'?

Pink Party

2011-08-15T19:43:00.001+10:00

This year Amaya celebrated her 4th birthday party in pink style. The party invitation specifically stated that guests needed to come 'perfectly primped in [their] pink outfit'. We held the party at the local gardens and fortunately the weather/rain held off - in fact it was so lovely and warm standing in the sun.

A yearly tradition - my mother made the beautiful birthday cake.

Amaya was so excited about her birthday this year. She looked forward to her two birthday celebrations - one with our little family and another with friends and family. And, she received some of the most perfect gifts. The people in her life know her so well.

Amaya admiring her cake whilst we all sang Happy Birthday

I cannot believe girl number one is four years old. I still remember the c-section. I still remember the doctor holding her above the screen and informing Luke and I that we had a baby girl, on which I promptly asked Luke to double check - her gender was such a shock. I still remember the crash after her birth. The depression and many hours of counselling to follow. But, in her arrival to this world she has made me love like never before. I ache when I'm not with her. I miss her voice, her laugh, her constant chatter, her curious questions and unique personality. In a heart beat she brought me deep joy. And now with Remy in our lives I feel completely fulfilled.

Amaya's friends from school were perfectly pink. Good effort team.

Just the other day Amaya was asking me if I was going to die. Death is her latest topic of obsession. I believe in an open policy and I told her that I was going to die one day. We all do. She quickly informed me that she didn't want me to die because she would miss me too much. And so she thought of a way to keep me here - she is planning on holding on tight to my top, my pants, my shoes and my undies, just so I'll never die. She was pretty proud of her action plan.

Make a wish!

This little girl is mine forever. I love celebrating her birthdays. Love making them extra special for her. I cannot wait to celebrate so many more of them - even if she feels the need to hold onto my undies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY 4th AMAYA EVE!

(More commonly known as May May)

She is so proud of herself. She is 4!

Things Not to Say

2011-07-03T16:37:00.001+10:00

Recently I read an article about 15 things not to say to someone who has RA. I was glued to every word. It felt like - at last - someone understood my daily frustrations. I have reworded and reshaped this article so that it suits my thoughts and current life circumstances.

The next time you see me, please do not say any of the following. And if you have said any of the following to me in the past, do not say them again. Good - I'm glad we got that sorted :)

Those drugs are too dangerous

As someone who has RA you don't think I already know this? Taking medication is not a decision I make lightly. Every day I weigh up the effect that the medication could/will have on me in the future with the my current situation. That is, am I far happier living in the moment with somewhat less pain because of the medication, than living in the moment in excruciating pain without the medication? Each day out of a wheelchair and off the operating table is a bonus for me.

My grandmother has it

You know what ... your grandmother more than likely has osteoarthritis which is caused by old age. More than three quarters of the elderly population would have osteoarthritis purely because of their age. It's a rite of passage into senior-hood. This statement often shows me how little the conversing person knows about arthritis and its different members of the family.

You need to exercise more

Yep, know how this one works - the more you exercise the better the joints feel and the stronger the muscles become. Unfortunately, sometimes I can barely pull myself out of bed and walk down the stairs to give my children breakfast. Some days my mind is so exhausted from dealing with chronic pain that the idea of exercise is painful. And some days, my body just needs a rest. Seriously, I'm doing the best I can. This always follows on with the thought: losing weight might help. Granted, this is true too. But let me explain two things to you: RA medication can cause you to retain fluid, increase your appetite and as a result increase your weight. Also, food is a comfort for the pain. It's a vicious cycle. The comfort from food is only momentary and some days my mental strength is better than others, and some days I want to jump off the Westgate Bridge just to have a break from the pain.

Have you tried ... ?

The amount of times people have read an article, seen something on a current affairs program or heard something that worked from a friend and passed it onto me, is countless. I know that their intentions are of a good nature and they just want to assist me in any way they know how, but if I thought something really worked I would have already bought it and given it a go. I have had RA for 33 years and I've concluded that nothing works besides medication, spa baths and red wine.

But you look fine!

This is true ... you can't even tell that I have RA. But, what does RA look like? Swollen crooked knuckles? If you looked closer at me you would see disjointed limbs, but due to years of experience I'm very good at choosing appropriate attire and wearing makeup to cover the pain. If you ever see me without makeup and hanging about in casual clothes you can assume I'm having a shitty time.

Let me know if I can do anything for you

I often hear this one from many different people - even my husband. And whilst I am so grateful that you are seeking out if I need assistance, I live in chronic pain. Have you ever had pain for a whole day? It's difficult to make a decision for myself, my husband and my children without then having to decide for you what you can do for me. Just do anything, I'll be forever grateful.

I have it in my right forefinger knuckle

Shut the fuck up! I have it all over my body - in every joint. You moan about the pain you feel in a small joint - one small joint - try living in my whole body for just one hour. Sometimes people ask me what RA pain feels like and my answer is often this: 'Have you ever been to the gym and had a really big workout and the next day you can barely move due to the soreness in your muscles? That's what RA feels like, but times it by ten - day in day out, just on a different scale out of that ten.'

Thanks for listening, and much appreciated. xo

Fashion Girl

2011-06-06T16:27:00.000+10:00

The various fashion shots before bath time ...

Shopping girl

Princess girl

Church girl

School girl

My Health Journey - Week 4

2011-06-05T14:47:00.000+10:00

This week I lost 800 grams - now down to 94.8kgs. So glad to be under the 95kg mark. With that said, I feel like this journey is a l-o-n-g one. My goal weight is 75 - 78kgs - still have some way to go. But my aim is to get there due to my 35 List. Love crossing things off that List.

Things running through my head this week: are the calories worth it in that piece of food? That's my latest obsession: calories and nutritional value.

I'm going to try something different this week. I'm not going to choose a number, rather I'm just going to say that I'd like to be under 94.5kgs. We'll see what happens.

How did you peeps go? Alicia? How's yoga going for you Tanya?

'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother'

2011-06-03T15:02:00.000+10:00

A book like this hasn't got under my skin for some time. 'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother' by Amy Chua is a persuasive text regarding the way Chinese parents raise their children in comparison with Western mothers. The main premise of the text is that Chinese parents believe in the success of their children and therefore carry high expectations. Western parents, on the other hand, are willing to accept mediocre outcomes as long as the child has 'tried their best'.

There is no doubt that there are many more successful Chinese students than there are Western students. There is no doubt that many of these Chinese children are pushed to reach success. The Chinese realise that the harder you work at something, the more you get it right, and the more that you get it right the more that you enjoy it. The joy of success far outweighs the frustration to get to that outcome.

Once I started getting into this book I realised that I was a truly Western mother. I was willing to accept certain behaviours in my daughter because I didn't want to look harsh to the rest of the parenting world. Or, I didn't want my daughter to love me less because I was being too harsh on her. I was also willing to accept mediocre learning abilities when I knew in my heart that my daughter is very intelligent and creative, and needs to be pushed. The day I decided to become more of a Chinese mother - and not entirely a Chinese mother - was the day my daughter started to change.

The first day I pushed and pushed her with her number writing. She had to get it right. Soon the 'I can't' attitude from her became smiles of success at her own achievement and she was soon writing 1 - 10.

The second day I decided to work with her on the alphabet, her name and her sister's name. She had to verbally complete the alphabet with only one error, which we managed to do after many turns. The smile on her face when she realised she could do it was something else.

On the third day she wrote a birthday card to her 86 year old great nanna. She had originally written her name and drew pictures in black pen, but I decided that wasn't good enough. Her great nanna is 86 years old and deserved more time and care given to her by my daughter in her card. And so Amaya worked at it for a better result. She coloured in the pictures - neatly and with care.

On the fourth day I had booked Amaya into Art class, moved her up in her ballet class (which also included jazz and tap), and also moved her up in her swimming class. All of her teachers had told me that Amaya had talent in these areas, but I had being sitting on my hands because she hadn't turned four yet. Doesn't matter - she has talent.

Don't get my wrong ... I'm not going to push Amaya where she doesn't have talent. For example, Amaya isn't going to be a fantastic athlete - she is too clumsy and too awkward. But, I'm going to push her where she does have talent. I'm going to financially invest in her future. She has talent in ballet and the Arts. As for literacy and numeracy, that's a given. She will be pushed to excel above her peers.

I know this probably sounds pushy to most of you and I can hear this question : where is her childhood in all that? Trust me, Amaya has enough 'childhood' time. As Amy Chua stated in her book - are Chinese children any less unhappy than Western children because they are pushed? In fact, I would beg to argue that most Western children are more unhappy, frustrated and lost because of their lack of direction and parental intervention. I base this evidence on what I have seen in my classroom.

In all honesty, Chinese parenting requires consistency and sometimes this can be quite draining. It also requires a lot of parental attention and planning. Too often I see Western children with gadgets in their hands, things in their ears, televisions on the backs of their seats, x-boxes in their bedrooms, and books on iPads - do the parents not want to communicate with them? Western parents must be more willing to put in the hard yards with their children. Why else did they have them? Have they really lost the battle? Who's the adult in the relationship?

Now for my first-ever give away on this blog. I want to share this book with others. The deal is this: leave a comment regarding your views on parenting and your name will go into the entry to win the book for free. I'll even post it your way. Be brave and join the draw. I'll post the winner next Friday. You have one week to enter - parents and non-parents, all welcome.

Best/Worst

2011-04-19T14:52:00.000+10:00

BEST:

I managed to get away for a couple of days. Remy and I went down to my parents' beach house to spend some time with them before they travel overseas. Not only was it good to spend some solo time with Remy to work out her tired and hunger signs, but it was also good to be with my parents. Sometimes when you become a parent yourself, you lose sight of the relationship you once had with your parents - without children around (particularly those children that can talk and walk!). Maybe parents feels a little replaced, or disconnected? I think it's still like nurturing an important friendship.

WORST:

Not all will understand my worst for this week ... my 750ml water bottle leaked in my Crumpler. Not only this, but it wet my entire diary and writing book. Everything was wet, wet, wet. My pages are smudged and crinkled. My writing book practically snapped in half and I had to buy another one. My love of stationery is altogether something else - really!

What were your best/worst for the week? Gaining insight into each others' worlds helps us to understand one another better. I love reading them! xo

Motherhood

2011-04-14T08:51:00.000+10:00

Many of us don't really get the time to reflect on who we are, and what we have become, until we take time off work to look after our bubs.

I know that I'm personally loving my 12 months. I have NEVER taken time off like this before. Once I had finished secondary school I went straight to university and then straight into my first job. I then went back to university as an adult and also worked part time. When I had my first child I only took two months off work. Now we can afford for me to take time off - and my head space is much better with baby number two.

This year already I have started working through my 35 List and am feeling a great sense of achievement. Most importantly, I have started my issues-based blog (www.thewordhamper.blogspot.com), which I had been banging on about for years! The time has also made me reflect on how much energy and time with give to our occupations. This is certainly something I'm going to explore further throughout the year. I need plans in place so that I find a comfortable meeting ground between work and my personal life.

Anyway, enough about me ... my friend, Al, is also on maternity leave (we live five minutes away from one another!). She loves to sew and this time at home has given her the opportunity to explore, create and make some gorgeous pieces. I'm far from keen on sewing - or even okay at it - so I always marvel at how others can create their pieces of work.

Here are some pictures of Al's latest creation - bibs with terry towelling on the other side so that you can wet the bib and wipe the bub's face clean after the feed. All in the one bib. Such a great idea! Watch out 'The New Inventors'!

What do you think?

Best/Worst

2011-04-05T21:43:00.001+10:00

ME! - In the car alone and pumping the beats.

BEST

This week's 'best' was definitely hitting another number on my 35 List - starting my new social/issues based website. There is no way I could have done this without the constant assistance and technological know-how from my buddy, Alison. The idea of the new blog is to present to the internet audience one issue a week. This issue is written up in such a way that all can understand its content. The aim at the end of each posting is to encourage discussion - with no judgement on each others' comments. I love doing the research, reading and writing into each issue - I'm a bit of junkie when it comes to news, news and news. It would be greatly appreciated for all those that follow/look at this blog to have a look also at the issues-based blog. I need the support and encouragement to keep going because I have no idea where it will lead me. Check it out at www.thewordhamper.blogspot.com

WORST

Across the road from my house is an Aboriginal family. I haven't had much to do with Aboriginal people and have never really fully comprehended the gap between the native people of Australia and 'white fellas' - in a practical sense that is. In this three bedroom house are two parents and eight children. One child in particular grabs at my heart strings. She is about 11 years old and every morning when I go outside she also comes outside. She is always in her school uniform - ready to start the day - but I never see her go to school. Her mother simply doesn't take her - in fact she doesn't take any of the children. There just doesn't seem the emphasis towards education and I now see the media and politicians' push to narrow this divide between the cultures - not that I necessarily think either are using the right policies. Last week I really started to make an effort with this little girl. I now talk to her and encourage Amaya to also talk to her. I'm even thinking of asking her mum if I can take her to school because she clearly wants to - and needs to - attend. But what I really want to do is to make her all mine.

What were your best/worst for the week?

We have a Smile! :)

2011-03-29T17:33:00.000+11:00

This little poppet is starting to really smile and it makes my heart melt every time. Love you Remy. xo

Best/Worst

2011-03-29T17:31:00.000+11:00

This week's insight into my existence:

Best:

We spent the weekend down at my parents' house beside the beach. The best part of this trip was playing 'What's the Time Mr Wolf' and 'Duck, Duck, Goose' with my nieces, nephew and Amaya. We had so much fun and Amaya had us in hysterics with all her little antics - and bossiness mind you. The rules seemed to change from minute to minute - particularly when it was her turn.

Worst:

Feels like I have a little cry once a week ... but, this week's worst was when my precious Amaya woke up on the Saturday night screaming and crying. She complained that her legs were hurting as she was thrashing around in her bed. It took a bit to console her and sooth her back to sleep. My heart ached for her knowing full well her pain. Luckily it was dark and she couldn't see the tears streaming down my face. xo

What were your best/worst for the week?

Best/Worst

2011-03-22T15:52:00.001+11:00

The 'Best/Worst' entries are an opportunity for all of us to have a glimpse into each others' worlds. Once upon a time, people dropped in for cups of tea, rang each other on the landline, hand wrote letters, and were much more available for one another in a physical sense. My blog is a new form of communication for all.

Please leave your best/worst for the week. Here are mine:

Best:

On two occasions I had the opportunity to rest and relax in our new therapeutic spa bath. I know that it is a luxury item, but it was worth the wait and the money. There is nothing like lying back with a good read, a cold drink and the jets massaging my weary body - without a three year old wanting to hop in with me!

Worst:

On Thursday, Luke had the chop. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Luke had a vasectomy. He is one brave man and certainly seems to be in the minority. I will be forever grateful for Luke's decision and I know that he has done it also as a means to protect me from the woes of my condition if we were to accidentally fall pregnant again. So why do you ask, is it a 'worst' for me this week? You all know how much I would love to have more children, but my condition makes this a challenging task for me. In fact, if I were to fall pregnant again I really don't know if I could be a very good mother. The constant pain would be debilitating and I would find it very difficult to keep on top of our active lifestyle. Luke having the chop meant that having another baby was really over. This, within itself, is a grief process for me and one that has brought me to tears on many occasions.

March Favourite

2011-03-19T20:19:00.000+11:00

I know that it's not winter ... yet ... but I've already picked up my winter boots for the fashion season ahead. I usually buy your classic black knee high boots - but not this year. My boots this season are Pinkerton, low calf gumboot-like blue boots. We've had a couple of rainy days and on I popped my boots. They are super comfortable and can be worn with anything. I'm set for the cold and rainy Melbourne winter.

Little Remy

2011-03-15T20:47:00.000+11:00

Little Remy Arwen is doing so well.

She is so so placid and has fitted perfectly into the family routine.

Aside from projectile vomits, she is perfectly healthy and normal.

We had our final parvo check off today.

No more visits to the neo-natal doctor.

Remy is a fairer version of Amaya.

Luke's genes are terribly strong.

She brings me great joy and I love kissing her little butterfly lips.

But I'm done ... spent ... no more children for me.

Not any children physically of my own - though.

It's too hard. Too tough.

The physical toll on my body is crippling.

Yet, I still yearn to spread my love ... already.

Cannot wait to access the other ways to make our clan bigger.

Best/Worst

2011-03-13T20:19:00.000+11:00

Continuously dressing up. xo

Worst:

I know that I should say something about: the conflict in Libya; or the earthquake and nuclear emissions in Japan: or the housing protests in Italy; or the fact that Darcy Freeman's dad is claiming manslaughter; or the middle class struggles in Wisconsin; or any other fucked up matter that is taking place on this globe - but no, this is my little world and I can't see passed my own nose right? Mind you, I have survived two category five cyclones and understand the pure emptiness of natural disasters once the destruction has passed.

With that said, and my conscience somewhat spared, I hit a funk this week. The sleep deprivation really made me grumpy and a very impatient mother. To top that off, I've dropped half a steroid in order to allow the disease modifying drugs to work their medicine. It really is like heroin! Each day I start off hopeful and positive, but by 4pm I hit the wall and can barely walk - just when the children start their witching hour.

Best:

I completed another item on my 35 List - I went to the ballet with my mum. Together we had a lovely lunch and spent the afternoon watching the angelic and athletic moves of the dancers in 'Madame Butterfly'. I really enjoyed watching the ballet and if I had spare cash lying around I would definitely take another seat in the theatre.

What were your best/worst for the week?

Pot Luck Hamstring

2011-03-10T20:50:00.000+11:00

You so have to check this out. It is fu#*ing hilarious. Make sure you have the sound up and that you are ready to dance like it's somewhere in the 80s. Every time I watch it I cry with laughter - for the outfit, the dance moves, the music and of course, the injury.

Solo Time

2011-03-09T17:38:00.000+11:00

Since little Remy has entered our lives, I'm very aware of the change this has had on Amaya's world. Amaya has to accept a sleep deprived mum whose hands and time goes elsewhere. For the most part, Amaya is doing exceptionally well, albeit a few 'princess meltdowns' on Amaya's behalf.

However, there are times when I yearn to be alone with Amaya. We have such fun together and she makes me laugh - laugh loud - at her quirky statements and curiosity of the world. Therefore, I make a very strong point of having 'solo time' with her. I picked up on this idea of 'solo time' from my friend, Norbyah - and she has three children to spread this solo time over!

For our 'solo time' this week Amaya and I went to our favourite noodle place in Footscray. The Asian culture, restaurants and people do children far better than the stuffy Anglo culture. They are so lovely with Amaya and I'm never embarrassed of the noise and mess she makes in their space. Amaya's favourite is the 'yellow noodles and trees'.

Best/Worst

2011-03-07T15:11:00.000+11:00

What were your best/worst for the week? Feel free to leave your comment.

Here are my best/worst for the week ...

Best:

During the week my parents and one brother stopped by for dinner. Since moving to inner Melbourne, I'm now two hours away from my parents. So having them over for a mid-week dinner was a special treat. They even had the opportunity to surprise Amaya and pick her up from school. The very next day she asked whether they would pick her up again :(. It was so lovely to have everyone sitting around the dinner table, sharing a glass of red and enjoying some fresh seafood and vegetables.

Worst:

This week my friend, Alison, and I, attended our dear friend's mother's funeral. It is attending such events that one realises the finality of life and all relationships that surround that lost person. Our friend gave a eulogy at her mother's funeral. Our friend made me laugh and made cry for her loss and the memories she shared with her mother. Her eulogy was so very honest and she spoke so openly about her complicated relationship with her mother. Our friend was so so so so brave. And continues to be so so so so brave. I love her even more for her strength, yet also for her fragility.

The funeral had me thinking about death - not that I need more time thinking about death since I have recently finished the 'Six Feet Under' series!

In death, do we understand someone more?

In death, do we appreciate the person more?

In death, do we cling to life more?

February Favourite

2011-03-03T17:35:00.001+11:00

Our house is under constant renovations. It is a continuous work in progress. I really should take photographs and display them on this blog. Over the last couple of months, each family member has being moving bedrooms and beds in order to cope with renovations, painting, floor sanding and new arrivals. We are now all in our rightful bedrooms and in our rightful beds. It feels so good to be back in my futon. On a side note, I think most of our family and friends think we're nuts for sleeping in a futon. May May has one too and one family member told me this was a form of torture for my daughter! Nonetheless, we love our futons! And that is February's favourite - my futon and this bedspread. I'd forgotten how much I loved it. LOVE IT!

Best/West

2011-03-02T09:00:00.000+11:00

Best:

A couple of times this week, I had the girls on my own. I was unsure how I would go, especially if they both started crying at the same time. They are both as unpredictable as each other - for various reasons. Fortunately, all went well and their feeding and sleeping times fitted nicely with one another. I know for sure that this will not always be the case and I'm certain to face much tougher times ahead. For the moment, it has given me a buck up in the parenting side of my life.

Worst:

Without a doubt, the worst for this week was the earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand. It was harrowing to witness the grief and devastation following the earthquake. Not only did the people of Christchurch cope with an earthquake in September '10 at 5am, they have had hundreds of tremors since. The problem with this recent earthquake was that it hit at lunchtime when many people were at work or were out and about. So many people lost in the one building and so much healing that needs to take place from here. My prayers go out to all the people of New Zealand and those who lost their lives (240 people, including a class of foreign language students) in the earthquake. Mother Nature works in mysterious ways. And for this this, she must be understood - not blamed - for the disasters across the globe.

As Poppy Greg Says ...

2011-02-24T15:54:00.001+11:00

... every morning Amaya wakes up, she looks like she's had a big night out at the nightclubs ...

... and doesn't she hate having her hair brushed - I wonder why?! It's always a screaming match between mother and child.

Date and Raisin Oatcake Slice

2011-02-23T08:06:00.002+11:00

The slice! Norbyah - recognise the placemat?! From my Malaysia visit! We use them every night.

As part of my 35 List, one goal is to make a new recipe every week. I'm a little behind due to my hospital stay and having a new one in the house, but this recipe I had to share with you all.

I'm not an overly confident cook and am often afraid to share my end product with others. But this slice I took along to my friend, Brooke, and she loved it. She even shared it with her neighbours! It gave me the courage to keep on trying in the kitchen.

This yummy slice is a home-made, wholesome alternative to commercial muesli bars.

And for those of you with little ones, Amaya loved making this slice with me. She weighed the ingredients, poured it into the bowl and gave everything a good mix.

It was so yummy warmed up with a small dollop of vanilla bean ice cream.

Ingredients

120ml maple syrup
180ml water
80g seedless raisins
250g fresh dates, pitted and chopped
190g butter (at room temperature)
130g raw sugar
130g brown sugar
200g spelt flour
1/2tsp bicarbonate of soda
200g rolled oats
1/2tsp cinnamon

Method

Preheat often to 180 degrees (fan forced).
In a medium saucepan over a high heat, bring maple syrup, water, raisins and dates to the boil. Reduce heat to medium and simmer, stirring for about 6 minutes until mixture has thickened. Set aside.
Using an electric mixer with a whisk attachment, whip butter, raw sugar and brown sugar to a fluffy pale mix, then add flour, bicarbonate of soda, oats and cinnamon. Fold through to combine.
Grease a 20cm x 30cm baking tray and line with baking paper.
Press two-thirds of oat mix into base, then spread date and raisin paste over it. Sprinkle over remaining oat mix and bake for 30 minutes, or until golden brown.
Allow to cool completely in tin before cutting into desired shapes.

Best/Worst

2011-02-20T16:25:00.000+11:00

Martine, me and Kim on my wedding day - much slimmer days for me back then!

Best:

This week I caught up with my 'longest serving' friends, Martine and Kim. We grew up as neighbours. Martine and I from birth, and Kim from when she was a toddler. To this day, we are still great friends. I never feel judged when I am with these two lovely ladies.

For our catch up we went to Mart's house by the seaside. We drank red wine in paper cups and ate fish and chips outside the shop. We had planned to make it to the beach, but Kim's car had a flat and we had to wait for the tow truck. It really was a comedy of events.

It felt great to be alone, yet in company. No children. Independence driving the car and drinking red wine. I felt normal ... again.

Worst:

For this week it's worst and best all at once. I started back on my medication and stopped expressing/feeding Remy. Whilst I hate the idea of having to rely on medication to support me through this time, I also realise that it is the best thing for me and my family. Already I feel better and can manage my day with two rugrats a little better.

And you? What was your week like? It always surprises me what people leave as their comment.

Girl Up

2011-02-15T11:05:00.001+11:00

How I love having the time and ability to read ... I'm always learning.

My latest read was in an article entitled, 'The Best Investment - If you really want to fight poverty, fuel growth and combat extremism, try girl power,' from a recent 'Time' magazine.

The article focussed on girls from developing countries. It laid out some tough statistics: 1 in 5 girls make it to secondary school; nearly half are married by the time they are 18; the leading cause of death for girls 15 - 19 is complications from pregnancy; girls under 15 are five times as likely to die while having children; they are less likely to be vaccinated; and eats only the food left over once the men and boys have finished their feed.

Now that I have two daughters of my own, I see even more countless reasons as to why rescuing girls is a must. Further statistics show: an extra year in primary school boosts a girl's eventual wage by 10% - 20%; a girl who stays in school longer is more likely to marry four years later and have less children; and a girl who earn an income reinvest 90% of it back into their family by buying books, medicine and bed nets.

A new initiative called Girl Up (girlup.org) aims to mobilise 100, 000 American girls to raise money and awareness to fight poverty, sexual assault and child marriage. Check out the YouTube clip (above) and the website.

What do you think we here in Australia can do to help?

Best/Worst

2011-02-14T09:55:00.002+11:00

GN1 as a big sister (excuse the constantly renovated house!)

'Target' shot and her fairy necklace (a gift for being a big sister).

BEST

Girl number one (GN1) - above - is doing so well with the introduction of Girl number two (GN2) in the house. This week she has really shown a greater understanding of how to be gentle with GN2. She is taking her big sister role quite seriously and will often attend to GN2 when she cries during the night. We have had to work on breaking this because it interrupts GN1's sleep, but it's so lovely she is worried about the welfare of GN2. GN1 is also now more inclined to accept playing by herself whilst I feed GN2. And, when I'm expressing milk GN1 often requests that she also have her boobies expressed - I hope she's not going to be too traumatised by this childhood memory!

WORST

This week's worse is definitely that same as last week's worst, but it's only intensified in level. It's now physically impossible to walk in public without limping and looking like a stiff, 80 year old. Each day my husband and friend, Brooke, ask, 'Are you back on your meds yet?'. It's like they're working in a team. But I know it's their way of saying, 'You've done enough for Remy ... she'll be fine ... it's time to look after you.' And for Luke, it's his way of saying, 'Man you're grumpy ... time to take action.'

WHAT WERE YOUR BEST/WORST FOR THE WEEK?

Best/Worst

2011-02-06T20:41:00.000+11:00

Best

Finally, finally, finally ... work began on the upstairs bathroom. For months now we have only had the crappy bathroom downstairs. During the last two months of my pregnancy, I had to traipse downstairs during the night to go to the toilet. It was exhausting and some nights I slept on the couch just so I could reach the toilet in a shorter period of time. Now renovations have started on the upstairs bathroom. And whilst having tradies in my house day-in-day-out is impersonal with a newborn, I'm so looking forward to having the spa bath as a therapeutic measure to my 'worst' below.

Worst

I took a visit to my rheumotologist this week and my blood tests revealed that my inflammation count had increased. I knew this would be the case because I have felt the arthritic funk set in. She suggested I go on two lots of particular medication, but could not guarantee that they would be safe for breastfeeding. This made me so sad. I felt like I was back at the same spot I was with Amaya, that is, to choose between my welfare and my child's welfare. Over the latter half of this week, I have found the pain horrendous. Even more than that, I have found the mind fuck an absolute drain. The grey dog is back in town and all I want is someone to give me a fucking break from the pain and the heart ache of my decision.

What were your best/worst for the week? Can you possibly swear more than me?

Two Peas in a Pod

2011-02-02T16:24:00.000+11:00

Two peas in a pod, huh? One has darker hair. One has a dimple in her left cheek, whilst the other has a dimple in her right cheek. They each received one of Luke's both dimples. Both have Luke's spiky hair. And both were born with the inverted jaw that takes a little while to develop. So, which one is which? Which one is Amaya and which one is Remy?

January Favourite

2011-01-30T14:33:00.012+11:00

January's favourite, without a doubt, is this chair:

And Amaya loves it too!

We recently had our couches upholstered. The previous colour tone did not suit our new style of house. Whilst the furniture was away we had very little else to sit on. I found this quite difficult during my pregnancy. It was so luxurious to have the furniture back in the house that when it returned I fell in love with it all over again, especially this chair. During the third trimester it was lovely to have the cosy chair to sit on and ottoman to rest my weary legs and feet.

Now with Remy here, it is the perfect chair to express milk every four hours. Remy is too little to suck - five minutes on the breast at most - so, much of her feeding is done by the bottle as it takes up less of her energy.

Love this chair and ottoman ... it's super comfortable.

Best/Worst

2011-01-29T20:30:00.000+11:00

(Amaya is into having her hair washed, plaited and then curly the next day. Ah, the joys of summer and hours spent at the beach)

I know that I've lost a week with the birth of Remy and our stay in hospital, but the best and worst of that week was the delivery of Remy. I'm still traumatised by the c-section. When Luke and I finally had a chance to sit and have a chat, I broke down. But, that's for another blog entry.

Nonetheless, here is the best/worst in my life for this week:

Best:

Hands down, the best for this week was having Remy signed out of Special Care and bringing her home with us. Upon her arrival she was quickly whisked away and many tests were undertaken. I was only able to hold her for two minutes, at the most. Then, I didn't get to see her again for another 24 hours. It was so tough and I cried many tears alone in my hospital bed. But after a couple of days in Special Care, she was doing much better than anyone could have expected. And to our surprise, she was even allowed to come home with us. To have that little girl in my arms was all I could ask.

Worst:

The worst for the week was not being able to move back into our home. We are currently having our house renovated and one of these renovations is having the floorboards sanded and polished. Whilst Luke's parents were amazing and so helpful and understanding during our stay at their house, there is nothing like home. It was tough to be away from home and have my girls living out of suitcases and not in their beds, but we made it ... eventually.

What was your best/worst for the week? I love reading them!

The Birth of Remy Arwen

2011-01-28T16:30:00.000+11:00

Remy Arwen

Born Friday 21st January 2011

11.07am

2.89kgs/6.6lbs

48cm

Terrible pregnancy

Tough c-section: vomiting; crashing; sweating; pain

Morphine

Anxious wait for her cry

Excruciating recovery without her in my arms

Blood tests

Days in Special Care

Hours alone

Finally ... doing better than anyone expected

Home

Sweet, sweet little pea

Love her with all my soul.

Best/Worst

2011-01-16T18:57:00.001+11:00

Worst:

The worst for this week is definitely witnessing the Queensland floods. The inland tsunamis. 2/3 of the State, or 1 million square kilometres, is affected in some way by the floods. To date, 16 people are confirmed dead and there are still 53 missing. Australians have raised over $55 million. No doubt more will be raised through the charity tennis matches at the Australian Open and the number of music concerts that have been set up around Australia. Last year we were all donating money to the tragic events of Black Saturday. The generosity of all Australians - even when most are already doing it tough themselves - never ceases to amaze me.

Best:

On the day I received the distressing news about my little womb girl, I went to the letterbox and inside was a beautiful little blue envelope. Obviously a mother or father in the area had been doing creative work with their child. The constant rain is sure to have sent many parents nuts. This little envelope had an angel stamp on the front and inside was a white piece of paper whereby the child had tried to write their name. It brought a smile to my face. It was just what I needed. Just like a little angel was watching over my precious girl.

Share your best/worst for the week if you like. It really is a very cathartic process.

Postnatal Depression Writing Competition

2011-01-12T17:50:00.001+11:00

Because this issue needs greater awareness and greater understanding in our society - which lacks a village. I invite, dare you, to enter your thoughts. xo

Black Dog Institute 7th Annual Writing CompetitionPostnatal Depression, Men and Women - Personal Experiences and the Search for Real Answers

With 9 per cent of expectant women and 16 per cent of new mothers suffering postnatal depression as well as 1 in 10 men, the Black Dog Institute, in its latest writing competition, is focusing the spotlight on their stories.

The Institute is looking to provide more answers to deal with the problem of mood disorders during a vulnerable two-year span that takes in the period of pregnancy, childbirth and the baby’s first year.

We want you to tell us what it was like for you to manage depression or bipolar disorder during pregnancy and through your baby’s first year. How did you recognise that you needed help and what made you follow through and seek it? Then, what did you feel was of use to your support and recovery and what interventions were unhelpful? Was a mood disorder a problem with the first pregnancy or with subsequent pregnancies also?

We welcome stories from women, partners, family, friends and professionals involved in this area.

The 2010/11 competition invites entries from the Australasian region.

Essays are to be no more than 1500 words.

Prizes will be awarded for the three best essay entries.

First Place $2000; Second Place $1000 and Third Place $500.

The closing date for receipt of entries is 24 March, 2011.

www.blackdog.org.au

To Comment or not to Comment?

2011-01-12T16:21:00.000+11:00

At times I wonder why I write down my inner thoughts on Inkings Ink. What makes me think that people are interested in reading about me and my life? I'm really not that interesting - and certainly don't lead an overly interesting life. I have only 10 Followers - some of whom I don't even know who they are, but know that they appear on a friend's blog. On many occasions, few-to-no people leave comments.

So what's the whole point?

Well, every once in a while, someone will send me an email, or let me know in person, that they enjoyed reading an entry on my blog, or that I have a gift for self expression. I do love to write, and I do hold strong opinions. My blog is one means to live this part of my creative life. And I do find everyone else's life interesting. People intrigue me. So if you are unsure about leaving a comment because you think you are boring, don't think that way. Each life is full.

Thank you to all who leave comments on this blog, send me emails, or let me know in person how much they enjoy reading my blog. I will keep on keeping on.

Cee-Lo

2011-01-10T15:58:00.000+11:00

I cannot get enough of this music and music clip. I know that I posted it on Facebook, but here it is again. We have all been in this place at some time, at some stage, in our lives. It demands to be viewed and listened to.

Best/Worst

2011-01-09T11:41:00.000+11:00

This is a new blog entry that I keen to add throughout 2011. It's my best and worst moment from each week. This week I found it quite a cathartic process writing down all the worst and best moments for the week and then choosing one to put into this blog. Here goes:

Worst

We have had some scorches this week. I usually love the heat beaming down on me, sunbathing and hitting the beach. I usually become quite disgruntled whenever Luke wants to put the air-conditioner on. BUT, now that I'm 34 weeks pregnant, it's a whole other story. The heat wipes me out, makes me feel even more ill, and I'm constantly searching for the air-conditioner controller. And it's only going to get hotter!

Best

Finding Amaya's other shoe. My daughter has exceptionally narrow feet and we always have to make a half hour journey across town to purchase her special - expensive - shoes. This week we were at the beach and somewhere during our walk home we lost one of Amaya's special shoes. Luke and I re-walked our trodden path several times, but to no avail. A couple of days later Luke went for an early morning board in the surf and came across the missing shoe outside the surf life saving club. Karma had weaved its way into our life this week.

Care to share if you like? Your best/worst for the week?

'The Bucket List' - List Number 29

2011-01-05T09:27:00.000+11:00

From some of the opening lines - 'I believe you measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you' - I knew that this film was going to draw me in.

Imagine being told you are going to die. 96% of people don't want to know the exact date and time of their death. But if you were terminally ill, would you want to know how much more time you have with family and friends? The lead characters, played by Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, are terminally ill with cancer and set about making the most of their last months by fulfilling life long dreams.

These dreams, that take them across the world, form their bucket list. On this bucket list are dreams such as: see something majestic; kiss the most beautiful girl in the world; give kindness to a stranger; and drive their dream car. Whilst the theory of such a bucket list is worthy and important to living one's best life, this bucket list required money. Fortunately, Nicholson's character was extremely wealthy and was able to take Freeman along for the journey. This part of the plot didn't sit well with me because the majority of people cannot afford such a list.

Certainly the most thought provoking part of the film for me was when the men were sitting watching the sun set over the pyramids in Egypt. Freeman, whose general knowledge of all matters was consistently shown throughout the film, points out to Nicholson that when the Egyptians entered the pyramids on their way to the after-life, they were asked two questions:

1. Have you found joy in your life?
2. Has your life brought joy to others?

It is impossible to be happy all the time. It is human nature to feel raw emotions - one of which is sadness. But if we can ask ourselves if we have found joy and given joy along the way, then we are living a life worth living. For me, one way of experiencing joy along the way is fulfilling my own 35 List, which is an interpretation of the bucket list. For now, I have completed number 29 on this list, and that has brought me great joy.

Thank You!

2010-12-31T15:58:00.028+11:00

Thank you to all who have called me, texted me, emailed me, left messages on this blog, popped over to see me or thought about me - or even cooked me meals (Thank you to Tanya - mother of 7 month twin boys - your mothers group is right: you are a superwoman!). Your support has meant so much to me.

We had our first scan last Wednesday and the little girl within was showing signs that she was carrying the parvovirus. We have another scan this Tuesday to further the tests. If she continues to show the same high blood results then I will have an emergency c-section and she will have a blood transfusion. It's so much easier to treat the baby outside the womb when they are carrying this virus, except of course if you are earlier than 20 weeks. Yet, the next scan may also show that she was able to fight the virus herself.

It is a week-by-week check. And it is this that is emotionally and physically draining. At the last scan I was a mess and the poor doctor tried her very best to reassure me, whilst always acknowledging that we all need to be aware of the risks. I think I'm going to be a mess at every scan until I know deep in my heart that the little girl is going to be just fine.

Best and Worst for 2010

2010-12-31T14:34:00.023+11:00

As another year comes to a close, it's important for us to look back over the year that was ... 2010. The 'Best and Worst' idea is something I am thinking of doing for my new social commentary blog, as well as this more personal blog, on a more regular basis - so stay tuned. For the moment, I'm simply going to write down my best and worst for 2010.

Worst: The loss of Winston. I didn't realise how sad this would make me feel for an extended period of time. He had been through so much with me.

Best: The loyal, unwavering, committed support of my husband. He has been my strength and without him I would not have physically, mentally and emotionally made it through this year. He truly is a remarkable person.

What were your best and worst for 2010? Let's share!

35 List

2010-12-10T07:04:00.000+11:00

Here is my 35 List for 2011. I know that some of them are the same as my 34 List. This is due to many reasons. Firstly, some I could not complete due to pregnancy. Secondly, some I could not complete due to finance. Thirdly, some I want to do again because they worked so well on my previous List. And finally, some I did not complete because I was too downright lazy. But one should keep on keeping on.

1. Go to the ballet

2. Bake an apple pie

3. Watch 'Cold Feet' series

4. Deliver baby number two into the world

5. Make a pavlova

6. ANZAC Day Dawn Service

7. Add a monthly favourite to my blog

8. Try five new restaurants in the main hub of Yarraville

9. Complete 1 x lap of The Tan

10. Get another two tattoos

11. Finish marriage cross stitch

12. See a movie once a month

13. Read a book once a month

14. Exercise four times a week

15. Paint all rooms upstairs

16. Go to church four times

17. Make a skirt

18. Renovate the upstairs bathroom

19. Weigh between 75 - 79kgs

20. Visit the Rialto

21. Go to the opera

22. 40 Hour Famine

23. Sand all floors upstairs

24. Make a cheesecake

25. Start my 'social commentary' website

26. Knit a scarf

27. Hot air balloon ride over Melbourne

28. Take a holiday to Port Stephens

29. Watch 'The Bucket List' (ironically)

30. Write four blog entries a month

31. Cook something new once a week

32. Do a calligraphy course at the CAE

33. Christen baby number two

34. Read 'War and Peace'

35. Volunteer teaching immigrants

A 'S' Christmas

2010-12-01T16:38:00.011+11:00

This year the 'S' Christmas was held at Cardinia Reservoir. This is a half way mark for us all to meet, except my oldest brother who had to fly down from Sydney. We had one massive bout of rain, but after lunch the clouds broke and the blue sky and sun prevailed. Santa even managed a trip to the reservoir on his fire engine. It's hard to believe Christmas is over for another year.

The men enjoying a chat.

Emily reading to Amaya whilst a game of cricket goes on in the background - so Australian!

Emily is ever so patient of her younger cousin.

Much of the time was spent on this awesome, kingdom-like, playground.

Couldn't resist adding this photograph in of my nephew, Hayden. Luke has a real knack of capturing the many faces of children.

A 'C' Christmas

2010-11-25T11:52:00.020+11:00

This year the 'C' Christmas was held at J and N's house. They went to so much trouble with the food spread and table layout. It was such a lovely day with kids everywhere, parents chatting, bon-bons cracked, bike races and bike 'walks', and games of basketball and soccer. Amaya was stuffed by the end of the day. She hit the pillow at 6.30pm.

The Christmas table labelled with personally named cookies.

Some of the yummy spread put on by J and N.

This was my job - the prawn cocktails in my numerous cosmopolitan glasses.

So hard to get a perfect shot of all the C children (William was sleeping).

The adult table in action. Myself and Luke's father in the foreground.

Sometimes we just need some downtime with dad - even if there is chocolate all over my lips.

'I'm Sorry.'

2010-11-20T13:13:00.038+11:00

My mobile phone rang.

In the kitchen.

The doctor's words, 'Your test came back positive. I'm sorry.'

His third case ever.
I'm doubled over in sobs.

Amaya's call out to me, 'Mummy, don't cry - I love you.'

Husband rushed home from work.

Emotionally exhausted, but it's only just begun.

I cannot, will not, lose the baby girl within.

Not at 32 weeks - or any other week here on in.

Scans set for every week ... till the end.

Heart failure a possibility - a slim one - but still on my mind.

Blood transfusions post birth discussed.

Emergency c-section based on results ... at any time.

I already have a weakened immune system thanks to Art.

This is a virus that can manifest.

Mother's guilt riddles me.

Prayers flood our house.

Feel totally fucked over.

I'm sorry too.

Sorry to the little girl within.
Sleepless nights.
Exhausted.
Even more tired of people making jokes about cats and dogs.
Visions of the 'One Born Every Minute' humidicribs.
Lonely.
Feel oh so lonely in my mind.
Need my husband close - all the time.
Need, want and desire this little girl to be safe and healthy in my arms.
'I'm sorry,' I cry.

Note: Sorry to the family and friends that are finding out this way, but I'm too sad and too fragile to talk and face the world these days. I need 2011 to begin, and begin ... soon. I need to meet this baby girl to make sure she is going to be okay. xo

Take a Guess ...

2010-11-16T08:40:00.000+11:00

Any guesses for what I find so amusing in this photograph?

Inter-Country Adoption

2010-11-10T08:15:00.061+11:00

All Luke and I want to do is to create a bigger family, spread the love, and assist children in need - and there are so many children in need of care across the world. They have entered this crazy world without a choice. They must be protected from harm.

Recently we attended our first inter-country adoption meeting, to little avail. There are two main obstacles in our way. One, the youngest child in the family must be 4 years old before we even start the application process. That means the baby currently in utero will be four in 2016. Second, there are so many countries that have restrictions on age. In 2016, Luke and I will be 39 years old. The maximum age restriction in most countries runs from 40 - 45 years. Keeping this in mind, the actual application to adoption process can take as long as 4 - 8 years, by which time we will most likely be over the maximum age. And, only 45 children a year are accepted into families in Victoria - alone.

Luke and I would love to have more children. Unfortunately, it is too difficult for me to naturally carry another child, and cope with the Art come down after the birth. We thought that inter-country adoption would be the way to go.

And so, I began thinking about being a 'permanent carer'. This is a new initiative introduced by the Victorian Government whereby it is the mid-way between adoption and fostering. Whilst Luke and I would have legal custody over the children until the age of 18, it is still expected that a relationship must be maintained with the natural parents - if this is possible. It is a requirement that the children meet with their natural parents, on mutual ground, four times a year. This meeting must take place with the permanent carer present.

The idea of being a permanent carer became more inflamed when I was out to dinner in Footscray recently. Footscray is known for its drug culture - buying and selling - and of course, its cheap and tasty Vietnamese food. Whilst I was walking to the restaurant with my girlfriends at 7pm I came across a drugged mother with two daughters. These little girls (1 and 3) were in separate prams, crying and with little clothing on their bodies. The mother was trying to calm them, but in her hazy state had little effect.

The situation crushed my heart. I wanted to save the little girls. I wanted to take them home, give them a warm bath (shower at the moment!), fill their tummies, and pop them into a cozy bed. I wanted to shower them with love and offer them the best possible future. The only way for this to be possible is if I become a permanent carer.

Christmas in the City

2010-11-01T15:50:00.002+11:00

This year Amaya is so into Christmas. It is so lovely and so painful all at the same time. Realising that there are queues to see Santa and the Christmas windows has being hard work - hard work for all. The amount of Santas that we run into at Bunnings, down the street, and in shopping centres that all pass off loads of sugar is many-fold! But the joy it brings to her face is priceless. I can now fully understand when older people say, 'Children make Christmas'. It's so true. Their innocence and pure joy is something we lose in the adult life. It's fun to be sharing that fun again.

Amaya pointing to all that she can see Santa.

The big cheesy grin of late.

She was so excited to finally meet him - and Dora was too of course.

Placing her hand on certain aspects of the big Christmas tree brought it to life.

'The Nutcracker' Christmas windows. Amaya's obsession in ballet and all things girly.

Festive Season

2010-10-20T08:04:00.021+11:00

This weekend we purchased our fresh pine smelling Christmas tree and spent a hot afternoon decorating it. Christmas feels so different this year. Amaya is very aware of its significance and the joys it will bring her - in particular.

There are simply some days where everything must be done in a fairy dress. The beginning of the decoration process. The blue advent calendar to the left is a handmade gift from my mum to Amaya. Each day is filled with a little surprise. It has being a little challenging teaching Amaya the concept of only taking one present each day, but she is getting there.

The tree is nearly there and Amaya is getting very excited. She loved going through the box of Christmas tree ornaments, and of course adding her own that she made at Bunnings (Santa to the right of the picture).

Just had to add this photograph in for a laugh. She never ceases to amuse me with her many camera poses.

And of course Christmas carols had to be sung at the loudest possible voice, in particular, 'Jingle Bells'. I think she'll be door knocking in a couple of years!

The end product - presents and all. There are lights on the tree, but the natural light was too bright. It's Amaya's job every night to put on these 'magic lights' - as she calls them. (Note the sad face ... Luke wanted one photograph without Amaya in it, and she wasn't happy with this outcome - too funny once again. Girls ... such drama queens.)

PS I know I'm fudging the blog dates, but I must really do four blogs a month, otherwise it would screw with my head too much - enough said about me!

Renovations

2010-10-17T17:39:00.005+11:00

Our house is under constant renovation. There is rubbish, crap, disorder and unfinished jobs, everywhere. The latest project is the upstairs bathroom, which was forced upon us because it started to leak into the downstairs laundry. Poor little Amaya has to have a shower every night in the downstairs, small, shabby bathroom. She has found inventive ways to entertain herself, mostly including the washing of three barbies. These pictures represent her latest invention. The idea with the plastic tub is to keep the water out of her eyes. She uses it as a hat and the water trickles right on over. A child's imagination never ceases to amaze and amuse me.

You are Perfect!

2010-10-10T13:27:00.014+11:00

This guy is my pillar of strength.

Without him I would crumble.

Back rubs, foot rubs, midnight water bottles.

Without one utter of complaint.

Hours of solo parenting.

Practical parenting.

Running the house.

Renovating the house.

Completing his Masters.

Working full time.

Even working the washing machine.

Reassuring me of his love.

Even though I'm not the same Shan - at present.

A nook to place my crying eyes.

A comforting and strong nook.

A calming voice.

Endlessly grateful of the special girls in his life.

And another one to come.

No time for his own fitness regime.

Carrying cold upon cold.

But never shunning the crippled me.

Practically carrying me up the stairs at night.

With always a drink beside my bed.

The burden he carries ... oh he is perfect.

So perfect ... for me. xoxo

VBAC

2010-10-01T15:06:00.000+10:00

To VBAC or not to VBAC?

Lately this issue has been on my mind. In my first pregnancy I had no option but to have a c-section because Amaya was in the frank breach position. This means she was in a U shape, with the bum first, and feet and face touching one another. Or as my British sister, El, says, 'She was in the pike diving position'. Many, many decades ago, Amaya or I, or both, may not have made it out alive without the option of a c-section. I think it's an important step forward that mums and bubs are given options in 2010.

Recently, some friends of mine have given birth to their first child/ren. All their birth stories are different. And all are different for many reasons. It all got me to thinking again about feeling a contraction. Being just as strong as those other women. Belonging to the 'club'. Feeling what I'm meant to feel as a woman - my rite of passage. I have also been an avid fan of the British documentary, 'One Born Every Minute', and have been amazed over and over again at the strength of women.

Thus far, there are no signs that I will not be able to have a VBAC. In fact, my doctor is very supportive of women trying this option. However, this is my main concern - VBACs are never induced. My arthritis this pregnancy has been horrific - I can only imagine what it's going to be like once I hit 38 weeks. If I had a c-section it will take place sooner. I don't know if I can bear 41 1/2 weeks.

So many different ideas running through me head. Any other ideas and opinions would be greatly appreciated ...

Rainy Days

2010-09-26T14:32:00.001+10:00

We've had some rainy and cold weekends of late. This is often what our family room floor looks like and it's amazing how a tent can create enjoyment for many hours.

Exam Marking

2010-09-20T16:07:00.002+10:00

It's that time of the year again. My life and my family's life comes to a crashing halt as I work overtime correcting Year 12 English papers at VCAA in Coburg.

As always, I'm shocked with the low literacy levels of 17+ year old students. How is it that they get that far in their education? Or, that they get that far without being aware of their errors? Some of them are the most simplest of errors. Perhaps it's my middle class snobbery to make that comment? Or, my perfection for the English language?

'Look Both Ways'

'He came out a divorce with his ex-wife.'

'Now, I know what you're thinking (my handwriting has telepathic abilities, I know, surprised me too).'

'His head turns into an analytical and medical whirl of thoughts.'

'Nick has dealt with his late father's death from cancer, and he isn't copping with it.'

'Year of Wonders'

'Elinor and Anna work together attempting to create a remedy or poison to cure the disease.'

'A Man for all Seasons'

'Sir Thomas More sounds like a pretty top bloke.'

As for the spelling mistakes:

knowbody
villiage
villiagers
victems
alow
appart
colaps (collapse)
curcid (cursed)
humaris
mentall
trys
sentance
appale (appeal)
enought

One 'amusing' student left his mobile number under a handwritten picture of hairy balls with an erect oversized penis. Thanks for the $2.20 to mark your exam - wanker!

And to finish it off, out of the 1000 papers that I marked one student left this final comment in red: 'V. appreciative of the time you have taken to mark.' I gave him a 9/10!

This Makes it all Worth It - Most Days

2010-09-15T19:59:00.004+10:00

The following is a letter I recently received from a student. It is these moments as a teacher - which are few and far between - that make it all worth it. It brought tears to my eyes.

As you have most likely come to realise I am considerably better at writing than I am at actually speaking so this seemed like the best way to thank you for the pleasure of being your student. Although my incessant chatter and annoying tendency for getting distracted may not have fully displayed my gratitude and made your job that little bit harder, I really appreciate all you have done this year and I am very thankful you came to our school. You are without a doubt the best teacher I have ever had, you even somehow made English class enjoyable, which is no easy feat and something no other teacher has been successful in doing. I actually looked forward to your lessons. So basically, considering you are leaving at the end of this year I really hope you have a great life and as our lives both proceed, just know I will always remember you as the one teacher who was finally able to ignite my will to do better than I thought possible and who has inspired me in more ways than one, even if you weren't aware of it.

How much cotton wool is too much cotton wool?

2010-09-01T20:28:00.045+10:00

How much cotton wool is too much cotton wool when it comes to raising children? Amaya has a star chart for doing three year old chores around the house. Each star equals $1. Once she has obtained a certain amount of stars she can purchase herself a little gift. For example, recently she earned herself 10 stars and chose to purchase the face paint as per the photograph above.

The real contention with this gift occurred when some family members were over and didn't allow their children to have their faces painted. As kids do, they harped and harped until their parents gave in and allowed them to have their faces painted, but were only to keep it on for five minutes. Until which time they had to have it cleaned off with a wet-warm face washer. They were not allowed to wash their face with any of the 'Johnson and Johnson' wipes that I had in the house for such occasions.

These same parents do not allow their children to eat any food with certain preservatives or numbers, nor anything that has been burnt in the cooking process. Don't get me wrong ... I'm not judging these parents for what they do - it is their choice and they have all brought up lively, involved children. They are great parents. In fact, one set of parents is Amaya's godparents. It just got me to wondering how much we should protect our children?

How much should we just let a kid be a kid? Or should we be educating them of hazards from a young age? For how long can we keep them in our care? Every time I hop into my car with Amaya I'm fully aware that that is the place most likely to cause the harm. I live under several flight paths - pollution is the norm. I operate the microwave on a daily basis. How much can I really protect her? Am I the erring parent? Should I be allowing face paint?

Selfish?

2010-08-25T09:22:00.044+10:00

I already know that this is going to sound selfish and ungrateful, but ... I dislike being pregnant. I'm constantly ill, tired, consumed by heart burn and arthritically sore. Even as I move into the honeymoon period of pregnancy, I'm still vomiting every day - morning or night, or both. Compounding this is never having the opportunity to rest with a toddler to care for, a house to run, and a full time occupation.

Recently, I desperately sought the approval of my doctor to take medication to ease the vomiting - in the least. He has placed me on medication and I'm already feeling better, for the most part (I still vomited a 'little' this morning!). I find pregnancy all-consuming and a marathon of nine months. It was exactly the same with Amaya.

As a dear friend, Brooke, said to me recently, 'Shan, you are one of the few who doesn't want to put the baby back in once it is born'. She is so right. I'm desperate for February to arrive. I'm desperate to get this little girl out of my system and get on with my life. I'd rather the hard stuff of a newborn than this current existence. I've openly admitted to Luke that I'm never ever doing this again!

So, do you think I'm entirely selfish, self-involved, and ungrateful yet? I understand that there are women out there who struggle to fall pregnant, and those who simply cannot. My heart aches for them, and I would never question offering to carry a friend's baby for them so that I could give them their own little family. I would be pregnant again for them - for sure!

Yes, time for me to toughen up and grind my way to February.

(Sorry Norbyah - your recent blog entry also inspired me to show a little vulnerability. It's important for women to share the truth.)

How to make Fairy Bread

2010-08-22T19:38:00.000+10:00

Sorry to anyone who ate the fairy bread at Amaya's birthday party. But, I did warn you!

80s Flashback

2010-08-15T08:24:00.001+10:00

Recently Amaya started ballet lessons. She heads off every Saturday morning in her pink ballet outfit for her 45 minute lesson. There will even be an end of year concert! But dancing to Amaya, takes on so many other genres. Her latest is a gold dress with mum's high heels. It reminds me of something out of the 80s. We move all the furniture to the sides of the room and Amaya hits the dance floor. Her favourite music to dance to is anything by Lady Gaga, Rhiannon, Jigsaw and Madonna. And whilst this choice of music is not my favourite, anything is better than listening to the 'Wiggles' or 'Hi-Five' all day every day. Above is a collection of Amaya's dance poses.

Third Birthday

2010-08-11T19:10:00.002+10:00

I fall more and more in love with my little girl the older she gets and the more her very own personality shines and shows its true self.

At three, this is what I now know about my daughter:

She is terribly unco-ordinated. If there is something to trip over it's almost like Amaya seeks it out and falls over it. She is forever stubbing her toes.
She is extremely sensitive. This is something Luke and I are trying to foster and nurture. Just at the swimming pool the other day she took the time to go to the baby pool and give all the little ones, whom she doesn't even know, an encouraging pat. On the other hand, her sensitivity can also be her undoing. She doesn't take too kindly to 'angry words' (as she calls them). I would call them disciplinary words. Nor does she take too kindly when another girl at school does not want to be her friend for the day. Luke and I are trying hard to toughen her up so that she can find a comfortable place to be.
She has no concept of modesty. She strips off at any moment, in any location, and if anyone says the word 'shower', she'll be right in there with you. Luke's father (a father of all boys), recently said, 'I'm going to have a shower' and Amaya was quick to strip off her clothes. Poor Greg didn't know what to do.
She loves to paint, cook, draw, colour, cut, glue, garden - she is much more interested in the creative side of life than me.
She is obsessed in ballet and is very very girly. To be a ballerina for Amaya is the be all and end all. My oldest brother gave her a proper ballet outfit for her third birthday. We have now booked her into classes.
She has freckles on her nose like me.

Amaya celebrated her third birthday at a miniature railway. Here are a few photographs from the day.

(Amaya and her dad taking the train ride)

(Some of the crew enjoying their ride)

(The other end of the crew enjoying their ride too)

(Amaya the train driver)

(The special teddy bear birthday cake my mum made to celebrate Amaya's birthday)

Happy birthday to my three year old Amaya Eve. xoxo

Why My Other Half should not do the Washing!

2010-07-30T11:15:00.000+10:00

I don't think this is a true representation of Luke's washing in/ability. Since the beginning of this pregnancy, washing was something that just kept piling up. I was too tired to put a load in the machine, turn it on, hang it out, bring it in, fold it, and put it away. Kindness and selflessness is one of Luke's beautiful attributes. And so he took on the washing with much gusto. One of Luke's main issues is the amount of powder he was adding per load. Often we had to do rinse upon rinse cycle, after the normal cycle was complete, so that the suds would eventually disappear. With the socks above, I couldn't have cared less about the suds, so they went onto the line 'sudded'. There was no way I could despair with Luke because he was adding to his already long list of pressures. I just gently requested he put less powder in the machine. To date, we are still doing rinse cycle upon rinse cycle.

Due Date - 20/2/11

2010-07-29T18:59:00.000+10:00

I've being a bit vacant the last three months. Wonder why? Luke and I are expecting our second child. Due date: 20/2/11. We are so excited and so clucky. And whilst I haven't being as sick as I was with Amaya, I have still been sick - in other ways.

My blood pressure hits lows of 88/70 and it is this that makes me feel particularly ill - especially in the shower and confined spaces. I have no interest in eating or looking at meat. The feelings of cold and heat are extreme polars. And I am so very very tired. I now realise how much easier it was to deal with the tiredness first time round. When I was pregnant with Amaya, I didn't have another child to look after. I could rest when I wanted to rest. Also, the job I had at the time was much less demanding as the job I currently work at five days a week. I'm often in bed, quick on Amaya's tail, at 7.30pm.

Yet this pregnancy is travelling much faster. I have not done any reading of my baby's development. We know the gender. The name has already been decided. Amaya is fully aware that there will be another member of the family. Things are simply not the same second time round, except for one thing ...

I am so excited about meeting the newest member of our little family. With Amaya, I was nervous, anxious and certainly oblivious of what was ahead of me. With this little baby, the feeling is simply one of excitement. It gives me an inner warmth to know that we'll all have someone else to love, protect, and get to know. Aside from the hot summer at 8 months of pregnancy, I couldn't be happier.

2010-07-18T13:47:00.000+10:00

This is often what my family room floor looks like - a refugee camp. Amaya puts to bed several dolls and teddies. They must be put to bed in a particular order. That is, they must be face down with a book next to their head, covered in a tea-towel, and patted to sleep. The process takes some time, and she takes her role very seriously. Once Luke tried to move her 'camps' so that he could vacuum the floor and he was met with a tirade from Amaya. How a child's mind weaves its magic.

A Letter to the Queen

2010-06-30T09:33:00.002+10:00

Dear Her Majesty,

I am writing this letter to wish you a happy birthday. I hope you have had a lovely day and people have treated you 'like a queen'! I also wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for allowing Australia to share in this event by offering us a public holiday - aka 'a day off work'. We blew the candles and cut the cake for you.

I am also writing this letter to thank you for allowing me to spend some time with my family down at the beach over your long weekend birthday. As you can see from the enclosed photographs, Emily and Amaya had a lovely time picking their nana's flowers and creating a stunning design on the front lawn. Without your birthday holiday they would not have had this opportunity.

With that said, and the pleasantries aside, I really want to get to the nub of my letter ... I think it's about time Australia cut its ties with England. Gone are the convict days. Gone are the early settlers. Gone is our total reliance on British law. But never will I forget your invasion and murder of the native people of this land. I'm ashamed of the actions of my fellow kin. And the longer Australia keeps the umbilical cord unsnipped with England, the longer we condone this part of our history.

Australia should be a republic. I couldn't give two hoots about the Commonwealth Games. You Your Majesty, obviously didn't care too much about the Olympics in Sydney. The Constitution will only have to be modified in language. I don't care about the rite of passage that some Australians have purely because of their parents' country of birth. As for the Royals, it is of no interest to me whom Prince William takes between his sheets. Or how his mother was a good and genuine person, even though it's widely acknowledged in England how much she was actually despised before your death. I simply do not care. It's about time Australia learnt to be Australia, and not the sister of England.

Anyway, why do we celebrate your birthday in June, when in actual fact your birthday is on 21st April? It's all a farce. Much like the relationship between England and Australia. Be gone with you. And why I'm at it, be gone with the emblazened union of crosses on our flag - it's an insult to very first people who walked this land.

Thanks for your time. I look forward to your response - even though I know very well that this letter will only be read by one of your hundreds of servants whose sole job it is is to answer the door when the postman arrives.

SC

A Chocolate Tour of Melbourne

2010-06-30T07:40:00.026+10:00

If I said to you, 'I don't think I could ever eat chocolate again', you'd probably reply, 'No way! I could never be sick of chocolate.' Well, take the Melbourne Chocolate Tour. As part of my 34 List, I took the chocolate tour with my mum, sister-in-law Terrie, and long time friend, Martine and her mother, Anne. By the end of the tour, we were all sick of chocolate. In fact, Martine and her mum took to hot chips and a glass of wine after the tour in order to realign the stomach.

The tour started at Lindt and then made its way to Haigh's (above), then the Chocolate Box, and we finally ended at Koko Black (below) - feeling decidedly ill. I did learn from the tour, however, how inferior Cadbury's chocolate really is in comparison to the more smoother blends, such as Lindt. It is worth spending the extra cash on a better chocolate taste.

Eureka Tower

2010-06-29T07:54:00.000+10:00

On the 34 List ... visit the Eureka Tower. Although one of my brothers used to live here and I visited him on many occasions, the Observation Deck wasn't open yet. My mother and I returned here recently and paid the crazy amount of $16 to take in the view of Melbourne from the deck. The first photograph is of the sporting arenas of Melbourne.

The second photograph is of the hub of Melbourne. Now that I only 12 minutes from this hub, I'm really enjoying getting to know my way around and the shops that I always return to - including the only Lindt shop in Melbourne, right next door to my favourite shoe shop, Peter Shephard.

The third picture is a view over Albert Park and my daily trip to work. I love Melbourne. It was fascinating to see the view from above. It seemed so well-planned out and divided into particular leisure activities.

The Swing!

2010-06-19T18:55:00.000+10:00

Whenever we go to any playground, Amaya is obsessed with the swing. It is always her swing. It is she who shares her swing with other children. So kind of her!

She likes to go higher and higher. To fly like a butterfly with wings - and no hands!

And even take the casual swing approach, perusing the area and casting her eyes for any potential other swing user threats.

The Friendliest Kid Cafe Joint ...

2010-05-25T21:45:00.000+10:00

... is right down the end of my street. Literally - a two minute walk. The whole cafe has been set out to suit child and parent. There is play area at the back of the cafe that has tables and chairs, and a comfy couch. To top it off, it is my second favourite coffee maker in Yarraville. We frequent this place quite often. My daughter meets new people and makes new friends all the time. And mum, well she gets to have a delicious coffee and read a trashy magazine knowing full well her child is having a good and safe time.

Chop Chop

2010-05-21T21:02:00.000+10:00

My daughter hates people touching her hair. She hates it being washed - big time. She hates it being brushed. She hates it being tied back. She hates it being in her eyes. Most mornings it's a screaming, physical battle to have her hair brushed and tied up before we leave the house. Admittedly, some mornings I do not even brush it because I don't have the time or patience to deal with her fiery outbursts. I just whack it back in a ponytail - and hope no one notices.

She used to once hate it being cut ... until ... we met our latest hairdresser. This hairdresser has a Wiggles coat and that has made all the difference. There are no more crying sessions the minute we enter the salon. There are no more home-haircuts because I don't have the mind space to deal with outbursts at the hairdresser. Once Amaya is sitting in the special 'big chair' and is adorned in her Wiggles coat, she loves to have her hair brushed, watered and cut. Maybe I need to buy a Wiggles coat and big chair for home?

Mothers Day

2010-05-16T07:44:00.001+10:00

This year Mothers Day was spent at the Melbourne zoo, much like thousands of other mothers. The zoo was absolutely packed. For the first half of the zoo I think I only saw three animals. I spent most of my time counting the children to make sure we had them all. I mentioned many times that I felt like I was on a school excursion with some adults at the front, middle and end in order to account for all children.

It wasn't until we got to the Australian animal end of the zoo that we got some relief and the children were clearly visible. I guessed at the time that people weren't too interested in seeing the Australian animals because they could easily see them in their backyard, down the road, or a couple of suburbs on.

(Hannah and Amaya)

(Emily and Amaya)

I even got the opportunity to spend the day at the zoo with my own mother because they made the trip up from their new abode. I gave my mother an interesting little gift I had come across in my new favourite bookshop in my new suburb. The present is a book whereby it asks my mum a series of questions about her life and her feelings towards certain events in her life. It could take a whole year to fill out. But knowing my mother, it will be a project that she'll work on to perfection. It'll be a piece of work when it's complete - and I can't wait. The book will be a safe-keep.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-05-06T09:02:00.001+10:00

I had a lovely birthday this year. It lasted for two weeks - as birthdays should. My treasured friends, Alison and Brooke took me out to dinner. I'll never forget those scrummy little salted bread rolls. Both ladies are pregnant, so I understand that they may have preferred to be at home resting! I can't wait to snuggle with their babies.

Then my oldest brother flew down from Sydney, my parents came up from Inverloch, and my other brother and his wife managed to find someone to babysit their three kids (!). We all went out for a very orderly, adult dinner. It was lovely to have my whole family in my new home. And, to see them again at the breakfast table.

(Brooke and I - due July)

(Alison and I - due September. Alison even made me cupcakes with yellow icing and placed them on my desk at work - too kind.)

This year I was showered in gifts. I usually find the older I get the less gifts I get, and the less exciting my birthdays get. Since having my own little family, I've thought more about the celebration of birthdays. It's so important to celebrate them and to also make others feel special on their birth - day. I'm so grateful for all of my friends and family that made this time special for me. xo

Another Reason to Love the West

2010-04-30T20:24:00.001+10:00

This is another reason why I love the West. A five minute drive down the road is a little Vietnam. In fact, if you didn't know you'd think you were in Vietnam, albeit a bit cleaner and bit less noisy. I love having a weekend expedition to Footscray. The Asian bakeries, restaurants and spice shops are authentic and enticing.

It's also a very safe place to take Amaya for lunch or dinner. The Asians love children. I always feel comfortable if I have a screaming or unruly child as there are children everywhere. It is commonplace to find them in such places.

It is a little odd to think that this place is around the corner. It is in stark contrast to the wealth in Yarraville, the beach and restaurants at Williamstown, and city just down the road. And that is another reason why I love the West.

Who Doesn't Love a Wedding?

2010-04-29T20:21:00.001+10:00

Who doesn't love a wedding? They are one of the happiest occasions in life. They are a time to witness true love, remind you of your own love - and, see close family and friends. The extreme opposite is a funeral whereby you remember why you love the person, pay your respects to them - and, see close family and friends. We all prefer the former, but both are love-affirming. I think I could easily cope with three weddings a year. I absolutely love them.

My cousin, Rosie, married Aldo on Saturday 24th April 2010 at Monsalvat. This location is simply stunning. Monsalvat is Australia's oldest (still practicing) artists' colony. It has acres of established gardens and charming cottages and halls. Whenever I visit this place I think about the past and the people that have stood on the same ground.

(Penny and I - Rosie's sister, bridesmaid and my cousin)

(Rosie and Aldo with Rosie's parents)

Aldo is a Mauritian man. He is not the only Mauritian man I know in my life. The other is my friend, Veer. Veer has often told me how unromantic he thinks the Australian culture is in comparison to Mauritian culture. This was certainly evident at Rosie and Aldo's wedding. Aldo openly wept when he saw Rosie for the first time in her wedding dress. In his speech, he spoke about setting out her pyjamas on the bed each night and placing a fresh glass of water on her bedside table. On Facebook he had a countdown to the wedding day. And to top it all off, he speaks French. I openly announced that I wanted a Mauritian husband.

Now my cousin, Rosie, is a married woman. I remember when Rosie's mum was pregnant with her. I remember babysitting Rosie at the golf course whilst our dads had a hit of golf and the mums drank tea in the club house. I remember chasing after her and she fell face first into the bitcumen and her teeth went through her front lip. I remember many hours at the beaches of Inverloch. I remember studying our law degrees together at my parents' kitchen table. There must be about 9 years of age between us. How life travels on. I couldn't be happier for her and Aldo - because I love a wedding.

Dummy - less

2010-04-20T20:21:00.000+10:00

My two year and 8 month old daughter is now dummy-less. This weaning process was much more easier than I could possibly have imagined. Amaya had a collection of about five dummies, which she (and we) started to throw out once there was a tear in one. The final pink dummy lasted about one week before it mysteriously disappeared. Well, 'mysteriously disappeared', to her. Her parents in fact know that the new addition to the family, Oslo, had taken a liking to Amaya's dummy and had stolen it for his own play time. Since the disappearance, she has only asked for it a handful of times and has not woken once asking for it. In hindsight, I wish I'd done this moons ago. But I guess that's parenthood.

One Little Cook

2010-04-07T13:54:00.001+10:00

My little girl loves to cook. These pictures are of Amaya and her dad making homemade pasta. The pictures are taken in our 'new' kitchen. Well ... our somewhat old, mission brown, small kitchen - the first section of the house to be fully renovated.

I think Amaya spends most of the time eating her mixtures, whatever they may be: flour and water; sugar and cocoa; water and egg; pastry and jam. She certainly is one little cook - not a trait she inherited from me!

Welcome to the Family

2010-03-27T19:11:00.000+11:00

I originally thought that I'd never get another cat after the recent passing of Winston. At the time, I couldn't see passed the pain. This was until recently I noticed the sorrow and grief in the eyes and behaviour of our other cat, Sapphire Bel. Sapphy is not a human cat - she doesn't like human contact, noise or company. She is a typical white cat - neurotic and fretful. Some family and friends have commented on the fact that they have never seen her.

Sapphy's behaviour since the death of Winston had become even more distant and vacant. She was never seen and when I did get a glimpse of her, I noticed that she had licked away much of her fur - a sure sign of anxiety and depression. Winston had been her everything. Her only source of company and friendship. Now he was gone and she wasn't really sure why. The absence in her life was visible.

I decided that it was time to put away my own feelings of grief and offer Sapphire another companion. Last Monday I was sitting in my favourite Yarraville Cafe, writing down a list of the things I'd like to get done over the upcoming break, and adopting a kitten was one of them. I got to thinking about how I put things off until 'the time is right' and decided now was the time to find my little kitten. Sure enough, just like part of God's plan, when Amaya and I arrived at the vet, there was only one kitten left. I had him in his new home and named within 20 minutes.

Please welcome to the family, Oslo Ike Charlesworth.

February's Book - 'The Lost Art of Sleep' by Michael McGirr

2010-03-23T21:46:00.028+11:00

The book, 'The Lost Art of Sleep' by Michael McGirr, melded nicely into my 34 List goals to stay awake til 10.30pm for one month, and join a book group. I'll start with the latter ... I joined the Yarraville Sun Theatre book group with my friend, Brooke, and the book for the month of February happened to be the above one. At the meeting, we even got to meet the author (aka Geoffrey Rush!) and talked to him about his book and his life.

Coincidentally, I had just finished my one month of 10.30pm shut eye and was up for discussion about the lost art of sleep - or the art of lost sleep! I'm very good at having little sleep. My tricks of the trade include: not looking at the time when I go to sleep; having no visible clock in my bedroom; never counting how many hours of sleep I think I may have had; and having a hot shower every night before I go to bed. I've become better at since becoming a mum.

Other interesting comments that came up during our book discussion with the author included:

* God made night first, then day. He created the seventh day for rest. Why do we shop, continue to rush around, and clean our houses on this day?

* Tiredness can be the enemy of rest. We live in a world that is often too tired to sleep.

* If you fall asleep in less than 10 minutes, it's a sign of sleep deprivation. I timed my husband one night - 4 minutes! He doesn't deal well with lack of sleep.

All in all, an okay read - the author was a better story teller in real life. All in all, enjoying the book group and meeting some new people in my new area. All in all, I'm continuing to learn more and more about living with less sleep.

Awkward is as Awkward does

2010-03-12T20:55:00.005+11:00

My little girl is awkward.

She is unco-ordinated.

Gangly and clumsy.

She falls on the same knee.

Reopens the same wounds.

Blood and gunk on sheets.

Just the other day she fell head first down the stairs.

She just kept rolling.

Carpet burn scar on forehead.

An assortment of bandaids cover her limbs.

Wiggles, fairies and the like.

They seem to quell the pain.

Australian Summer #2

2010-03-04T22:04:00.000+11:00

Since the Australian summer has now come to an end I thought I'd wrap it up with another Summer blog full of photographs.

It's time to start saying goodbye to making cars in the sand.

It's time to day goodbye to lunch/dinner on the beach, feeding the seagulls.

It's time to start saying goodbye to the many sandcastles that are built and jumped on. (For those who know, check out Amaya's toes - what does it remind you of?!)

It's time to start saying goodbye to evenings in the backyard making the most of the extended sunlight hours.

But, a whole new season is upon us and this means a whole lot of other adventures.

January's Book - 'Eat, Pray, Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert

2010-02-28T22:01:00.000+11:00

This book had been on my 'to read' pile for some time. In fact, I had made a start on it, but it didn't really take me anywhere so I kept putting it back on the pile. But so many people had read it and raved about it that I was determined to finish it as part of my 34 List.

Usually I'm not into feel-good/self-help books. But once I got passed finding God on the bathroom floor, her marriage finally coming to an end, and her talk of pasta and pizza, I was intrigued by the author's perceptions on life. Here is one of those perceptions that moved me so much that I reread it several times:

A true soul mate is:

the person who shows you everything that's holding you back.

the person who brings you to your own attention so that you can change your life.

the person who tears down your walls and smacks you awake.

not a perfect fit.

Often in the movies, the soul mate is the person you meet on a train, the one who finishes your sentences, displays the most romantic acts, and of course, have sex with on a lazy Sunday morning when your hair and make up look perfect - and don't mind the fresh morning breath! Far from real life and true perception, I say. Perhaps many relationships have ended because one partner is still searching for that perfect movie soul mate? Yet Gilbert enables the reader to understand that a true soul mate is someone who sees the worth in you, questions you when you falter, pushes you to achieve your very best, and most importantly, walks with you at all times with their head held high.

Another aspect of the text that makes me question my own thinking was mentioned by Richard, her Texan friend in India. In the text, Elizabeth is obsessing over her failed marriage. She questions where she went wrong, should she have struggled on for longer, and how could she fail at romance. At the monastery in India, Elizabeth's nickname was 'Groceries' because of the baggage she carries around in her mind. Richard's advice to her was to clear out the space in her mind that she was using to obsess about her ex-husband and the there would be an open spot - a vacuum.

I'm good at obsessing and ruminating over things in my mind. So much so that I fail to live in the moment, be able to let go, and wake during the night my mind full of worries - to the point I feel physically sick. What's with that? Imagine if I could just let go?! It's that search for contentment, and there's no doubt, it runs you down in the end.

Whilst this book did sustain me, it didn't move me in every chapter. At the end of the day, she still finds 'love' - for which I'm happy for her. But it did make me question the worth of her story for a single lady of similar age. Should they too seek love and hope that they too find a Brazilian man? A man who takes you to many other places during love making? Is that really all the answers to a single girl's qualms? Surely not. In fact, these are not the answers for a non-single girl. The answers to our qualms lie in our own journeys and struggles - and constant and consistent contentment seems to be mine.

Our New Life in the West

2010-02-28T16:22:00.006+11:00

Our life in the West is so different. I can hear my neighbours in every direction. I hear people walking passed on the footpath. People exercise all the time. Dogs are everywhere. There are people of so many different nationalities. It's a hub every weekend.

We spend so much more time with our niece and nephews. In fact, Amaya goes to 'school' with two of her male cousins.

Even Luke gets to see one of his brothers, nearly every day on the train into work. The brothers and dad go to the movies and go out for dinner. The other Sunday, they even went shopping together. Luke gets to be a brother and a boy, all over again.

There are footpaths everywhere. Every Saturday morning, Amaya and I walk/ride the mail to the local postbox. We rarely use our car. We even walk/pram it to the train station so that we can see Luke come home from work.

And to top it off, there is a family friendly beach 10 minutes down the road. Luke's parents live a two minute walk from this location, so we can all go home for a quick wash and feed when we have had enough.

We are loving our new lifestyle and have realised that we have made the best decision for our little family.

Surprise - It's A Party

2010-02-21T09:58:00.007+11:00

I cannot get Hi-5's 'It's A Party' song out of my head. I'm often singing or humming along to the last child's song I heard in my car or house. It's contagious. The music is so bubbly and bouncy.

Part of Amaya's Christmas present was a ticket to see Hi-5 in action. The production was at the State Arts Centre, so it was intimate and child friendly. Even Luke and I were excited about what this group would be like live. And they did no disappoint.

Initially Amaya was in awe of the event, but soon warmed up when the young boy next to her started dancing and yelling out. By the end of it, she was in throes of the mosh-pit and screaming, 'More!'.

The $27 per ticket was totally worth it. The smile on Amaya's face captured the entire day.

RIP Winston Jet

2010-02-05T21:03:00.011+11:00

On Thursday 4th February 2010 I had to do something that broke my heart. I signed a form which consented to euthanise my beloved, Winston Jet, and watched as his life came to an end with the droop of his tail and the freeze of his heart beat. And buried in our new backyard. Since, I've barely eaten, slept or thought about little else. I guess this is what they call - grief.

Sure, I grew up with pets, but that aspect of their life/death was always dealt with by my parents. I cried when I lost my pet rabbit, Charcoal, to the cat next door. I cried when my black cocker spaniel, Betsy May, was put to rest due to cancer. But I was never the one to make the decision, or to watch the injection. I guess that's what they call - childhood.

Winston was 11 years old and I had had him since he was a kitten. He came with me from rental property to rental property, and even had a stint at my parents' house. He lived with Luke and I in our first home and accepted the addition of Sapphire (Sapphy) Bel. Winston was even tolerant of Amaya's 'cuddles' - more like strangles. He was part of the family. Even my oldest brother mentioned that Winston was the only cat he ever liked. I guess that's what you call - companionship.

But at the start of this week, Winston had started to deteriorate quickly. The house move and the bombardment of hot weather had not treated him well. On my emotional return from work on Thursday, I knew his time was nye. The vet didn't tell me otherwise. Luke and I stayed with Winston, sending him our prayers, caressing his head and listened to his last meow. Upon his death, the hot weather broke and the rain began to pitter patter on the steaming ground. I guess that's what they call - release.

As for my grief, I guess all it needs is time. As for my tears, I guess all they need is to continue to fall. As for his spot in the garden, I guess all he needs is my respect and time. As for my throbbing heart, I guess all it needs is some gentle care. I guess that's what they call - love.

What I'll Miss ...

2010-01-14T16:51:00.011+11:00

This is what I'll miss about the mountains:

My new found girlfriends in my mothers group: fun, real, non-judgmental, common bond.

Kallista Tea Rooms: divine Lindt hot chocolates and lovely staff.

Monthly breakfast meets with Jo: dear friend.

Cameo Theatre: quiet, outdoor cinema, interesting flicks.

Local Swimming Pool: community feel, baby pool, so close.

Amaya's school: caring staff, genuine dedication to kids, her friends.

Green Bean coffees: know my order, smartie biscuits, best coffee.

My big spa: eases aches and pains.

My backyard: vegetable patch, green flat lawn, sun lounge, beers.

Experiences: first home with Luke, family celebrations, first child.

Cambodia Calling

2010-01-11T20:23:00.000+11:00

Everyone knows how obsessed I am with the ABC radio program, 'Life Matters'. Well, a recent session had Prue Salter on the program. Her story was about a life changing moment. She was at the airport and taking a stroll through a book shop - as we all do to waste time and search for that perfect plane read. Prue came across a book titled, 'Room to Read'. This book resonated so strongly with her that she decided to do something about it.

The Room to Read project is a non-profit dedicated to promoting education. The organisation is based on the philosophy that the world changes with the education of children. Further, that education is vital in breaking the cycle of poverty in the developing world. By partnering with the western world, the organisation establishes libraries, constructs schools and provides scholarships to girls. Since 2000, Room to Read has provided educational resources to 3.1 million children in Asia and Africa, established 10,000 libraries and distributed 99 million children's books.

On the 'Life Matters' episode Prue was interviewed about her experiences establishing a library in Cambodia. Prue was a teacher, but now runs an on-line tutoring program. For every dollar that she earns, 5 cents goes to the Cambodian library. At the end of January she is making her first trip to see the library. And what she is calling for is not books, but pens. Interesting and quirky pens. Pens are hard to come by in rural Asia.

The photographs above represent the type of pens I purchased for the Cambodian library. When the nib hits the paper the Disney characters collapse and go all floppy. They are very cute and would make any child laugh. I hope they bring much joy to their worthy owners.

1,000 Steps - List No. 12

2010-01-07T22:02:00.000+11:00

The History:

The 1,000 steps, or otherwise known as the Kokoda Walk, based at the foot of the Dandenong Ranges gives walkers a sense of the exhaustion experienced by the Australian soldiers following the trail during the Kokoda campaign in 1942 in Papua New Guinea. Keep in mind, however, the real trail runs for 96kms. The 1,000 steps only runs for 2.5km.

Along the 1,000 steps walk, there are plaques depicting the lives of those who fought and died at Kokoda during World War II. This track is not for the faint hearted, not only in terms of exercise, but also for the nostalgia one can feel for Australian soldiers and the Fuzzy Wuzzy Angels.

My Journey:

I thought about taking my ipod. Then I thought I'd like to listen to the natural surrounds. In hindsight I wish I'd taken my ipod so that I didn't have to listen to my huffing and puffing. I certainly didn't hear the natural surrounds over my own heavy breathing!

I took my camera, but the batteries went flat and I unfortunately only have three photographs to share with you. But I was sure to quickly write down my mid-journey thoughts at the end of the walk.

I was initially astounded with how many people exercise on this trail. There were all types of people: fit and fast; slow and steady; many men with toddlers strapped to their backs; mums with babies on their chests; older Asian couples; runners - doing it two to three times; a lady who asked me on my descent how far she had to go to the top and when I told her she was only half way she promptly turned around and commenced her way to the bottom; all shapes and sizes.

Once I completed the steep incline and reached the top of the 1,000 steps, I got talking to another lady. She mentioned that she had lost 40kgs doing this walk over a two year period. When she first started it took her 10 times to finally reach the top, and when she did, all she could do was cry and call her mother. Her story made me proud of my first successful climb, and even more proud of her.

With that in mind, I did not find the walk an easy one. I huffed and I puffed. My left leg, which is the least affected by Art, was doing all the work. I felt like Santiago in 'Old Man and the Sea' when he talks to his hand to uncramp. I kept telling my right leg that it needed to step up to the plate and do more work. It's not good to rely entirely on the left leg. There were times that I questioned my reasons for undertaking this on my 34 List. But at the end of the climb, I was abuzz for the rest of the day.

(at the bottom of the steps where the runners keep their water bottles and jackets)

The Festive Season

2010-01-02T22:06:00.010+11:00

The festive season reminds me of:

Family (Amaya, Emily and Hannah).

My mum's cooking.

Riding bikes in the laneway.

Lots and lots of delicious berries.

Joke presents (my dad - glasses actually flash).

My great grandmother's angel on top of the Christmas tree.

My mum's many Santa ornaments around her house.

My parents' house beside the beach and the collected shells over time.

My mum's beautiful craft.

The 34 List

2009-12-27T20:48:00.000+11:00

(Werribee Mansion)

I'm stealing an idea from another blog. This other blog is about an American girl completing 24 things in her 24th year of life. Sadly enough, mine reads 34 things because I'm going to be 34 in April! Rather than having New Years resolutions for 2010, I'm taking another tact. I am a list maker, and this tact suits me just fine. I have 365 days to complete the list and 34 things to post on my blog.

Some of the things I have been meaning to do for years. Some of the things will need the help of others, of which I already have in mind. Some will be meaningless or frivulous to you, but mean something to me. Most are money conscious due to our imminent house move.

Here is my 34 List - in no particular order:

1 ANZAC Day morning service

2 Hot air balloon ride

3 Take the Melbourne Chocolate Tour

4 Make a cheesecake

5 Read 'War and Peace'

6 Join a book group

7 Take a calligraphy course

8 See a movie once a month

9 Stay over at Werribee Mansion

10 Read one book a month

11 Cycle from Leongatha to Fish Creek

12 Walk the 1,000 steps

13 Run 1 lap around The Tan

14 Visit the Rialto

15 Knit a scarf

16 Make a skirt

17 Complete my wedding album

18 Organise girl functions at my house (quarterly)

19 Get another tattoo

20 Be a vegetarian

21 Jack hammer the concrete at Kingsville house

22 Exercise every day

23 Plane ride over Melbourne with dinner onboard

24 Keep a diary for a whole year

25 Eureka Observation Deck

26 Watch the 'Star Wars' series

27 Have a night at the opera

28 Write my will

29 Watch 'Gone with the Wind'

30 Finish a crossword

31 Be an audience member on the '7pm Project'

32 Spend half an hour in a lift. Say 'g-day' and smile to all.

33 Stay up past 10.30pm for one month

34 Write 4 blog entries every month

Anyone up for the challenge? Anyone care to join me? Wish me luck - I'm very excited.

Australian Summer #1

2009-12-22T15:25:00.006+11:00

Summer is:

Snuggles on the beach with mum. We call this the 'koala cuddle':

Many hours of making sandcastles and playing in the waves - no matter how cold you feel:

Riding the hot pink nipper board with dad, Uncle Josh and cousin Harry:

Playing in the sand. The bath at home is often filled with sand:

Just the way we like it.

NB:

2009-12-10T21:57:00.013+11:00

Following my 'Sometimes' blog, I received many personal emails. Some asked me if I was okay. Others listed their 'sometimes', and on many occasions I was moved to tears when I read them. Whether a person left a comment on my blog or sent me an email, all were terribly brave. There is certainly something quite unnerving about sharing one's rawness with the cyber world.

There was one brave friend (Tanya) in particular, who even asked me in person, 'Why do you think it is that you feel that way?'. (Tanya and I have been friends for 14 years and she has seen many shades of Shan - and, rarely a 'sometimes' Shan over the years.) I broke down and cried. I expressed to her that something has happened to me since I have become a mother. I lack confidence in relation to my decisions, judgement, body shape, future endeavours, occupation and who I am as a person.

I also expressed to Tanya that these feelings of self doubt have diminished since Amaya's preliminary juvenile rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis. These 'sometimes' have paled into insignificance. My daughter, who looks so much like her father, has been bedeviled with my arthritic gene. She needs me more than ever. She needs a mum who has her shit together. She needs guidance, direction, empathy, understanding, whilst also displaying weakness - a humane trait. She doesn't need a mum who still questions the very meaning of existence and lets petty things, and meaningless people, get under her skin. She needs strength.

My 'Sometimes' piece was about shedding that skin. Seeking out answers and moving forward. Thank you for listening. xo

For Sale!

2009-11-25T06:56:00.013+11:00

Our house is 'For Sale'! It's officially on the market. We've already had many groups through for inspections, and some even already asking for the Section 32. I cannot believe we are finally at this spot. I'm nervous, anxious, excited and apprehensive. Have we made the right decision? The houses in the West are so expensive. The lifestyle in the West is so different. Then, I can't wait to be closer to friends and family. I have a new job for 2010 and new direction. I will just feel a little sad when we do eventually sell because of all the hard work Luke and my father have put into renovating our house and gardens. And afterall, this is our first home together. Luke and I brought home our first child here. It holds so many special memories.

We always connect to places in different ways, and at different times, in our lives.

This is what the real estate agent says about our house on their website:

CELEBRATION OF OLD AND NEW

This character weatherboard home has the old world charm of yesteryear but has been completely renovated to a high standard. With a family friendly 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, plus separate dining or study and 2 living areas and character features it will suit all your needs. It's all here with ceiling roses, combustion stove, period fittings, bay windows , huge old style verandah with cafe blinds, ducted heating and split system air conditioning, flat back yard, BBQ area and landscaped gardens, double carport, sealed driveway, and all within walking distance to shops and train station. If you are looking for a character home with all the work already done then this is one to inspect today.

Check it our for yourself. Pictures are below. Any interested in buying?

Sometimes ...

2009-11-18T12:46:00.008+11:00

Sometimes I really dislike myself. Sometimes I'm so fed up with who I am that I try to be like others. Sometimes I'm so tired, I could cry. Sometimes I'm in so much RA pain that I contemplate ways to leave this world. Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I'm so disorganised that I can literally feel my blood pressure rise. Sometimes I wonder what my husband even sees in me. Sometimes I disappoint myself because I don't stand up for what I believe in - especially with certain people, and at work. Sometimes I have no idea who 'I' am because I spend my time thinking about how everyone else has their shit together. Sometimes I'm lazy. Sometimes I hold grudges and the other person wouldn't even know. Sometimes I'm so sick of failing my goals and failing myself and my family. Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world. Sometimes I spend too much time thinking about why people are the way they are, rather than accepting it and moving on. Sometimes I think people look at me and comment in their minds on my post-baby weight gain. Sometimes I wonder where the last ten years have gone and reminisce about my youth. Sometimes ... sometimes ... sometimes.

The problem is that these 'sometimes' accumulate to make one big 'most of the time'. And the funny thing is, I know that I'm not alone in this world with these thoughts. It always looks like someone else has got the 'better' life. It's a vicious cycle. It all makes me dislike myself even more. Why do we do it to ourselves? - in particular, why do women do it to themselves, and each other?

The 'Sometimes' topic is something I've been thinking about since September 22nd 2009. On this date, my whole life shook - but that's for another blog entry. For the moment, let me mention that my spirited daughter has been back and forth to the doctors, undertaken x-rays and blood tests. I've often sat with my head in my hands and shed a quiet tear. It has been such an emotional journey that I'm unable, at this stage, to put my feelings down on paper.

For now, as from 22/9/09, life shifted - my eyes opened and my perceptions became unblinkered. I soon found this 'Sometimes' topic more and more prevalent in my thoughts. Why do we live this way? Why do we do it to ourselves? In my recent Year 12 Victorian English Exam marking work, a student wrote a most thought provoking comment in one of their essays. The student wrote, 'life is very short compared to how long you are dead'. Another student wrote about 'The Crucible' and extended the play to have the reader witness the execution of Elizabeth soon after the birth of her child. This essay made me cry in front of all the other examiners. Not one student has ever done that to me before.

I couldn't stop thinking about my 'sometimes'. I'd like the evidence that I'm not alone. What are your 'sometimes'? And please, don't tell me my 'non-sometimes' assets because that's not what I need. A shake of reality is a positive call for all.

A Gold Coast Wedding

2009-11-01T19:58:00.021+11:00

In early October, my best friend, Alison, married the man of her dreams. I had been looking forward to this wedding for the entire year. Everyone loves a wedding, and it was a girl affair from the get-go. Alison, Brooke K, Holly and I flew to the Gold Coast on Thursday afternoon - two free evenings before the wedding. We drank champagne on the plane. We drank champagne in the limousine from the airport that Alison had organised. We drank champagne at the bar. We drank champagne in our room. We drank champagne as a pre-wedding drink. You get the point.

Below are some photographs of the day and night. The bridesmaids were gorgeous (!), but not as stunning as the bride - of course! I felt honoured to be a part of Alison's most important day in her life. During the wedding I got to thinking about what the three of us (Alison, Holly and me) have in common. Crazily enough, we all share the same ex-boyfriend!! Side note: I wasn't slurpy seconds, but mushy thirds! This same ex-boyfriend is how I met Alison, and for that, I am eternally grateful. And at last, we have a situation where all three girls of the ex-boyfriend get along. I'm so tired of women fighting within women circles - but that's a whole other blog!

Below is a copy of part of the speech I read at Alison's wedding - as per my last blog entry.

'TO LOVE'

To love is to have someone hold you tight when life turns from white to black, or even shades of grey, and surely to hold you tight in your darkest hour. A hold that is a soft place to fall.

To love is to have the greatest friend in the whole world. A soul mate who completes you. Your truest friend. A constant friend. A kindred spirit. An eternal partner.

To love is to stand still with one another and without a touch, without a word, without a sign, feel each other's warmth. This is the warmest place the sun ever shines.

***

To love is to have someone sing the song of your heart when you have forgotten the words or lost the beat along the way. Someone who believes in you when you have ceased believing in yourself.

****

To love is to laugh unabatedly, cry unashamedly, dream unequivocally, and to know that every star in the night promises the dawn with each other.

*****

To love is to carry one another in your smile. A true reflection of one another in each one's eyes. To have your soul sparkle with diamonds, the shine of which reminds us daily of what's under our feet.

******

And finally, to love is to marry. And to exchange wedding rings is to bind one another body, heart and soul. Afterall, life's the longest picture you're ever going to take, and love's the longest promise that you're never going to break.

******

And of course, Luke joined in on the affair. Here is a photograph of him protecting my never- ending supply of cosmopolitans. Cosmopolitans which only the bridesmaids drank thanks Alison's organisation and our personal waiter.

Sound Advice

2009-10-24T13:31:00.009+11:00

Each month I look over the blog entries I have written in the previous years. For example, this month I've read over all previous October blog entries - I'm sure you understand my point. I'm often amazed at how time has passed so quickly, and how Amaya has changed and developed into the girl she is today. But what interests me, and concerns me more, is how my blog entries have changed shape. Don't get me wrong - I love the fun ones, the happy ones of family and friends. But where have all the soul searching and honest ones gone? I do know the answer to this question, but I guess it's about finding the courage to go there - again.

At my best friend, Alison's, wedding recently, I was honoured to take the role as one of her bridesmaids. Part of this role was giving a speech because it's only fair these days that the bridesmaids are represented as much as the groomsmen - right?! The speech I gave included a poem I had written entitled, 'To Love'. As I was reading the poem I became a little emotional as I could hear and see the ladies around me, and in the audience, tearing up and dabbing their cheeks with tissues. Often we underestimate the impact we can have on others.

After the ceremonies were over, people commented to me how talented I am at the written word - people I had never met before. This was furthered with a conversation I had with Alison's brother, Leigh. We got talking about our 'crafts' - he is a designer - and how often when you look at your craft every day, all day, it's difficult to establish its worth. It's only when a third party sees your craft from another perspective that you again see its true value. I also made a point to Leigh that I felt like I was constantly writing on topics that were too heavy and that readers may view me as a negative and miserable person. Note: whilst I am emotional, and at times a little unbalanced, I am an optimist and always seek for more joy in life.

And so it was this conversation, Leigh's sound advice to get back into it, and of course the events of the wedding, that got me thinking about my craft and my blog. Writing for me is a cathardic process - a way to express my thoughts and raw emotions. There is so much more that I want to say - and to say it honestly. And so much more that I want you to read. I am a thinker. I am constantly striving to be more and do more. It's time I got back to sharing this with others.

A Favourite - September

2009-09-21T07:53:00.006+10:00

It's only recently that I've truly realised how much my iPod, and sneakers to match, is a favourite.

I've realised this because I have been out of action for one week now. Last Monday I coughed as I walked up my stairs and my back went 'pop' - sounds crazy, I know. It hurt like nothing else and I spent the day at work with my hot water bottle strapped to my back. Then, last Thursday, I was putting Amaya into the car and it went 'pop' again. This time it was excruciating and I screamed out in pain. Poor Amaya, she said in the sweetest little voice, 'You okay mummy?'. And as no child likes to see their mother in pain, I put on the bravest voice and face and replied in the affirmative. I took a trip to the physiotherapist and he did some work on the damaged nerve in my spine. (I often tell my girlfriends that I so should have married a physiotherapist. No matter how un/attractive they are, they have the best hands and relieve me of my pain!)

Now, I'm getting back on track and loving the iPod and sneakers with a new vigour. My iPod goes with me on so many places. It's so manageable and never lets me down.

Happy Fathers Day

2009-09-06T20:54:00.007+10:00

Last Sunday we celebrated Fathers Day. We all met up at a local park and had a barbeque breakfast of egg and bacon. Although the weather was cold, we were rugged up for the event.

We spent time trying to, and successfully, flying kites. The picture below is of my brother, Mark, and his daughter Emily. Emily is so sweet with Amaya. She is gentle and very patient. Amaya loves to follow her around.

The kids took the time to play on the playground. And of course, also did Luke. He loves to fly down the slides.

But on the whole, the kite flying was the most enjoyable part of the breakfast meet-up. Amaya was amazed with the flying face.

She even took the time to have a go at holding the kite with her most favourite person in the world, Poppy.

The smiley face on the kite says it all.

A Favourite - August

2009-08-29T10:58:00.010+10:00

This month's favourite just made it on the blog in the nick of time. The favourite is roasted vegetables in the winter. Each week I chop up loads of vegetables and roast them in the oven with some salt, pepper, herbs and olive oil. It's so easy to do and tastes so delicious heated up for my lunch throughout the week. I have grown to love zucchini all over again. There is also something about the colours of the assortment of vegetables. They blend together like the changing colours of in the seasons.

Moving On

2009-07-12T07:13:00.014+10:00

One afternoon I announced to Luke that we were moving to the West. I had been thinking about it since my return from Vietnam. And not long after this I made a decision not to continue at my current workplace in 2010. Everything seemed to roll one after the other - it's funny how that happens in life. I had been quite anxious about having this conversation with Luke because I know how much he loves to live in the mountains. Every time we returned from the West he would comment on how there are so many trees in the Dandenong Ranges and how the air smells different - keeping in mind that Luke is a boy from the West. But what did I have to worry about? I think nothing about me shocks Luke anymore. I'm always concocting new life plans. He just happens to come along for the ride.

There are so many reasons why I want to move to the West. Bianca, from my Mothers Group, asked me to list my top five reasons for the move. Here they are:

1. The lifestyle. It is close to the heart of Melbourne. I love the hustle and bustle. The many cultural and entertainment activities are very inviting.

2. There are more options for better schools, without too much travel, for Amaya and myself.

3. Most of my friends live over that side of the town, or close to. Closer than where I live now anyway. I miss my friends so much. Also, Luke's older brother, Josh and his partner Narelle (who are Amaya's godparents), live in the West. I'm very close to them and I want Amaya to be a part of their family on a more constant basis. I want her to see her cousins a lot more.

4. The West is flat and has footpaths. As I get older I struggle more and more with a two-storey house and I miss been able to get Amaya's pram out and go for a walk without having to battle a main road and the undulating 'footpaths'.

5. The dog died - this confirmed my decision. One recent Wednesday morning (5.30am) I woke to the sound of a car hitting a dog. The dog barked that bark that rips your very core when they are in pain. And the car didn't stop. I raced out of bed and ran down the stairs in order to assist the dog. But during that time another car came round the corner skidded and smashed into the dog. ... And that car too didn't stop. My heart broke because I knew what I was about to see. The rest of the story makes me too sad to write about. This is not the only accident that I have attended outside my house. The other included a drunk driver in a head-on. This road is too busy. People drive too fast. The house is on a bend. I need to protect my family.

Don't get me wrong. I do love aspects about living in the mountains. I will miss: the fresh air; the community aspect at the shops and local cafes; the friends I have made through Mothers Group; Cameo theatre; Kallista Tearooms; my house and all its memories; my beautiful garden and flat backyard; my mum's bulbs in the garden; the birds; and the gorgeous drive to work. But it's time to move on. I love change. It's exciting.

A Favourite

2009-07-08T13:20:00.006+10:00

I've been meaning to start this type of regular blog entry for some time now. I'm going to blog one of my 'favourites' once a month. Favourites are so special. Favourites give you that warm, tingly feeling on the inside. They put a smile on your face every time you look at them or think about them. You really look forward to them.

This month for me it is my hot water bottle. I'm not a fan of electric blankets due to the electrical currents running through your body, but I sure am a fan of the more natural warming system - the hot water bottle. When I was heavily pregnant with Amaya, I had two hot water bottles every night - one for the lower back and one for the upper back. In fact, I designed a hot water bottle that was like a backpack. You could actually walk around with it on your back, rather than having to hold it against a chair. I just need someone to process my idea for it to become a reality!

This particular hot water bottle was given to me as a birthday gift from my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. I adore the pattern and the flower. It is so feminine. Nothing makes me happier then when I come home late at night and my husband has already made the bottle for me and put it under the covers. It's so snug - especially with this cold weather in the mountains. My family couldn't have thought of a more perfect gift to give me.

A Lucky Girl

2009-07-04T19:54:00.003+10:00

Amaya's grandparents (Luke's parents) travel to Europe once a year. They always purchase so many pieces of beautiful clothing for all their grandchildren: Harry, Grace, Amaya and Joe. The French style of children's clothing is so stylish and so full of extra detail. The grandchildren always receive comments on their special outfits. Below is a small collection of photographs from Amaya's new extensive wardrobe.

Amaya's Milkshake Recipe

2009-06-29T09:03:00.007+10:00

Note: Please read this blog entry from the bottom up. I didn't order the photographs correctly.

9. Ahhhhh ... everything is okay - once again.

8. Wait ever-so-patiently as Dad fills up the cup with the milkshake.

7. Stand back as Dad mixes (or as Amaya says it, 'micks') the contents.

6. Most importantly, fill the jug with full cream milk.

5. A squirt of honey to add a little bit of extra sweetness.

4. Two scoops of Jalna Vanilla Yogurt to add a creamy texture.

3. Add in a bowl full of cut strawberries.

2. Peel the bananas and place them in the jug. Then add two scoops of Milo.

1. Feelings of frustration and grumpiness overwhelm Amaya until the word 'milkshake' is mentioned.

F*#ked Up Facebook

2009-06-15T05:17:00.017+10:00

Recently I decided to opt-out of Facebook. I made this decision for many reasons and had been thinking about it for some time. Here are my reasons - and bold statements - for opting out (for the most part) of this social networking world.

Bold statement # 1 - Facebook is a farce.

It's not a true representation of people's lives. People's photographs display happy times on sunny beaches, drinks with friends, striking poses, magical trips overseas, and status comments about the latest 'feel good thing' in people's lives. And, don't forget that long lost friend or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend that you've always wanted to 'catch up' with. But once you know their happenings and current life status, they go back to the recesses of your mind.

And you know what? - Life isn't that good, all the time. In fact, life can be downright shitty at times. Where is all this on the world of Facebook?

Bold statement # 2 - Never disagree with someone's status update.

Many Facebook users make politically driven status comments but get pissed when you join their comment loop and add your personal take on the issue. Whatever happened to Australia been a country of free speech? Isn't Facebook an open forum? Or am I only allowed to comment if I agree with your stance and not ruin your politically aligned profile page?

How I have been 'defriended' for committing this Facebook crime. Shoot me! Oh that's right ... Australia abolished capital punishment after the questionable hanging of Ronald Ryan. Thank you Australia for being the forward thinking and humane country that you are.

Bold statement # 3 - Awaiting friend confirmation is a form of social exclusion.

To accept or not to accept? Or for me, it's more about, 'will they accept or won't they accept'? And in some situations, I'm still waiting ... . What is the social norm for this? Do I ask when I see them in person why they have not become my friend? Or, do you accept it for the plain fact that they don't want to be your friend? In fact, they don't really like you and don't want you to be a part of their secretive Facebook world.

Bold statement # 4 - Facebook is a timewaster - get your own life.

What joy and realism are we seeking by looking into other people's lives? Are we only gauging the weaknesses in our own life? Shouldn't we just get off our backside and live our own sacred lives the way we want to live our lives?

Bold statement # 5 - I admit that there are positives to Facebook.

I do admit to its positives. It is an effective and efficient way to keep in contact with people. I particularly enjoy keeping in contact with family and friends who are interstate and overseas. But really, what's the difference? - you may as well send out the group Christmas card/letter once a year. You are still spreading the same message to all loved ones.

And as I draw my own 'public sharing' to a close, I realise that the above bold statements are really about my use of Facebook. I'm frustrated at myself for looking at other people's 'happy' lives for hours on ends. I'm frustrated with myself for wasting my own time in my own blessed life. As for the political statements in comment loops, be prepared to hear more slander.

Anyway, enough of my prattle - I must be off to do some twittering!